The Wish List

It's A Secret

"Lies and secrets... are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind."

~Cassandra Clare

I didn't have a chance to leave the house first thing that morning.

Ty caught me trying to sneak out of the house from where he sat in the kitchen, sipping on his coffee as he stared at me in a mixture of confusion and amusement.

"Where are you going?" He asked, glancing over at the alarm clock beside the microwave. "At six in the morning?" I reached up and scratched the back of my neck, shrugging.

"I was just going to get breakfast." I answered, hoping he believed the lie.

"Come over here and sit down, I think we need to talk." I walked into the dining room slowly, hesitant as I sat down in the seat beside him.

"I was talking to your brother last night after you fell asleep. Asking him about Lucy. Just small talk." He said quietly, my eyes falling on the old oak table under my fingers as he went on, "And it was really odd, because I asked Macy about her as well, and she told me something really interesting." I felt my breath catch in my throat as my head whipped up.

"What'd she say?" I breathed out, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.

"That she couldn't have kids. That there was some sort of cyst over her uterus." He said, his eyebrows raising, "A little too much information, but it got me thinking. So I went back to Jason and talked to him about Lucy again, and he accidentally told me that Lucy is your daughter." I tried to brush off the subject with a laugh, but it died quickly in the back of my throat.

"He was kidding. It was just because she's so attached to me." I whispered, pushing a lock of my dark hair behind my ear as I looked out on to the porch through the blinds.

"Alyssa, I told you a while ago that you could tell me anything." Ty responded, obviously not believing a word that left my mouth.

"Y. . . no one cared in the first place, so why should I say anything now?" I asked, avoiding his eyes when he reached forward and squeezed my hand.

"I care, Ally." He whispered. I shut my eyes and bowed my head, shaking it.

"It was nothing, okay? I was raped my first year of NYU by some Senior. He was friends with one of my roommates. It's nothing, okay?" I tried to stand up, but Ty wasn't going to allow me to go anywhere.

"Was it Micah? Did he threaten you if you said anything?" I shook my head, wiping at my cheeks, afraid I had started to cry.

"It wasn't Micah. He doesn't even know." I muttered, "Nobody does except my family, who told me to keep my mouth shut so I didn't ruin their reputation. Because who would want to see a rich, pregnant eighteen year old that couldn't fight off her attacker? Huh? I was weak and I couldn't stop him, I couldn't-"

"Stop it!" Ty growled, gripping my wrist so I was forced to turn and look at him.

"Look at me, Alyssa." I shook my head, but kept my eyes on him. "Never, not in any way, would it be your fault." I threw my hand in the air, laughing coldly.

"It's not my fault that I went on a date with him? That when he came back he shoved me on to the bed and raped me? It's not my fault that I didn't even want to raise my own child? That I lied to you and told you I was a virgin? That'd I'd never had sex? None of that is my fault, Tyler?" I finally felt myself starting to snap, felt all the walls and lies I had built up around me starting to crumble.

"Date rape happens all the time." Ty replied, "It's fucked up, but it does. Especially on college campuses. Don't you dare sit here and blame yourself for this. And your parents are a bunch of rich, conceited assholes that shouldn't have ever had kids." I buried my face against Ty's chest, feeling his arms tighten around me.

"It's okay, Ally." he said, his lips inches from my ear, "I know people weren't there to believe you then, that they didn't want to hear it. But I'm here now, I'll listen. To everything, if you're willing to tell me."

*

I explained it all in detail, everything from the late night and the rape, to giving Lucy to my brother and Macy as if I was nothing but a surrogate mother. I told him that I couldn't take care of Lucy, I physically couldn't put myself through the torture of what happened that night every time I looked into her eyes. I told him that Macy gave Lucy a life I couldn't, she was ready to be a mother, I hadn't been.

I had been nothing more than a horrified eighteen year old girl trying to hide myself from everything, to protect my parents' image. Everything left me, even what Jason and Macy had never heard. The depression I had fallen into, shielding my pain and hurt from Steph so she wouldn't worry, getting beat by Micah. It all came out once I had started, and I felt as if the whole world was off my shoulders once it was all out.

"I'm sorry." Ty whispered, tangling his fingers in my hair as he pulled me against his chest. I wrapped my arms around myself as I laid against him, my eyes still shut.

"My parents wanted me to keep this image. The perfect teenage daughter, the role model that all girls should look up too." I whispered, "But I got so used to doing it, that I forgot to be myself. I was playing a part, and it felt so much better, Ty. It was so much better then being me." I sniffled, trying my best not to start crying again.

I didn't need to cry. It was over, keeping everything bottled and pushed deep inside where no one could feel it but me, where no one could touch it.

"I know what it's like to pretend." He breathed against the top of my head, "To make up this fantasy world inside your head. It sucks when you come back into reality and it all fades." I felt him shift me a little, his hand rubbing my arm.

"But you made me question if my fantasies were really that, fantastical. You're real, Alyssa. You're real and I love everything about the way you are. How you laugh and smile even when your eyes are filled with so much pain that I can feel it. How you make everyone feel like they matter, like they're the only person in the world." He let out a long, heavy sigh, smiling sadly.

"Don't say I love you." I choked out, burying my face against his chest, "Please don't say it." He laid back in the bed, pulling me with him so I was laying against his chest.

"I won't. I'm your friend right now, Alyssa. Possibly your best friend. I. . . I knew something was there, deep down, that there was a reason you were so impulsive that night. I don't care how long it takes for us to. . . you know, as long as you need me, I'll be here." I shook my head, finding Ty's hand on the bed beside me.

"You're not like most guys, Ty." He propped his head up on his arm and looked over at me.

"I'm not sure if I should be offended by that or not." He mumbled, his blue eyes dark.

"It's a compliment." I responded, then yawned.

Ty was right, this was a new beginning in our lives, especially now that I was hiding myself anymore. I was me again, I was Alyssa Morrison. And I wasn't going to let anyone change me, not again.

***AN**

Hope you guys enjoyed. 

Let me know what you thought!

~ChasingMadness24