dear b,
im trying. you told me to be happy, im trying. you told me to never stoop low enough to hurt myself; emotionally and physically, to which both i failed.
you'd be so fucking disappointed with me.
you said that i shouldn't fall in love, that'll hurt me more than anything else in this world. you were right.
i miss you and times like this i wish i could see you laughing goofily at what i would do, remember how i would puff my cheeks out and try to go cross eyed because i was 13 and an idiot and you thought it was cute? remember how the first time i got my first kiss you got so mad and protective? "you're too small to be kissing boys". Remember when your sister and i started dating? 2 years. On and off. and how she hurt me and you were there. remember how i set you up with Nat? i do. you were so happy, and you used my social media and talked to her because your uncle grounded you from yours. how's seth? is he okay?
i miss you.
i wish you'd never left, i wish i was never told you died.
i wish you'd never been so hurt to be pushed that far.
i fucking need you.
i need you because i should be happy but still in love with someone who will never be mine, still stuck on friendships that cease to exist, and crippling from my own mental illnesses.
im so sorry i failed you.
love,
me
