im tired.
im tired of the way im letting myself down, how my hopes get up for something good to constantly telling myself that im not good enough for something better.
im tired of lying to everyone and letting them know that im okay, when i am in fact not okay. im screaming from the inside out, poignant words clawing on my insides and and painting greys and blacks on the yellow i knew.
im tired of closing my eyes at night and waking back up again just to be reminded that i am a disappointment carbon copy from both my parents, who no longer love each other. two individuals who have edged their essence into my existence and carved out a new statue who is suffering from mental illnesses because of a vacant home.
im tired of mental illness, the words racking my cranium, battering me in blues and blacks. covering my body in cuts and wounds which remind me i am human and not a spec of nothingness that my mind says i am to be.
im tired of being reminded that im just a mere being in someone's life, like the disappearances aren't affecting me and how i think about them. the constant showing up and leaving, feeling unimportant and risking it all to be shown that i am not worth someone's time when i know that i matter.
im tired of pretending that im not tired and trying to fix what can't be repaired. words have covered my body in ink and masked my heart in bandages and damaged what was left after he'd left me; again and again. getting up in the mornings to facade a smile and hide away the frown that's permanently etched in my soul.
im tired.
