Don't Go (EXO Series II)

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What is happiness without a little sadness? What is love without a little pain? Right?
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Alexi Rei

I have been staring at this photograph for as long as I could remember. And each time I would close my eyes and try to hear his voice in my head, nag-uunahan 'yung mga luha ko sa pagpatak. I could hear him whispering the words he told me the last time I saw him with his deep voice and sincere tone. They’re still as real as that time, as if he’s just in front of me.

“Kris…” I whispered in thin air.

It’s been a month. A month of suffering, pain, and endless crying.

It felt like thousands of knives were stabbing my heart. Naninikip 'yung dibdib ko; as if I couldn’t breathe.

I felt so terrible, so mad at myself for doing this - for escaping reality. Masyado akong naduwag, natakot. At nagpatalo ako sa takot na 'yun.

Sa loob ng dalawang linggo na nakasama at nakilala ko siya, I felt the happiest. I couldn’t ask for more because he was enough for me. He was everything I could wish for. Pero sa gitna ng kaligayahan na 'yun, hindi nawala sa isip ko 'yung takot na baka panandalian lang 'yung nararamdaman namin para sa isa’t isa. Na baka nabigla lang kami pareho; and that the time would come na maghihiwalay kami, and he would realize na everything was unreal.

Dahil sa sobrang takot ko na baka iwan niya rin ako tulad ng pag-iwan sa'kin ni Marco, mas pinili ko na ako 'yung umalis. Ako na lang. Hindi ko kakayanin kung dumating 'yung araw na iiwan niya rin ako.

He has become so important to me to the point that I couldn’t afford losing him.

Ayoko nang pahirapan pa ang sarili ko. Alam ko na hindi ko kakayaning umalis hangga’t makikita at maririnig ko siya. And I did not want to witness the pain I could cause him kung magpapaalam pa ako nang personal. So, I did what I thought I needed to do. I left without saying a word.

Naging selfish ako. Kaya sapat lang na nasasaktan ako nang ganito.

‘God, I miss him so much.’

If only I had the faith to hold on to his words. If only I chose to take the risk. If only I was brave enough to stand to my promise. If only I chose him over my uncertainties. If only my love for him was strong enough to endure.

If only I loved him enough to believe that he loved me too.

Duwag kasi ako. Takot akong malaman na hindi niya ako mahal. Takot na akong masaktan. But what I did hit me a thousand times more… knowing that I left the man who made me feel the happiest.

A month has passed and since I left, I always felt like life’s dragging me down, pulling me to the ground. No one could cheer me up the way Kris does. No one could make me feel secured other than him. No other person could make me feel happy besides him.

My mind misses his thoughtful comments. My heart misses his sweet words. My fragile body misses his comforting hugs.

I miss him.

I miss Kris.

It just hurts to think na baka by this time, hindi na niya ako naaalala. But it’s too late to turn back now.

I sighed heavily, pushing away my thoughts as I wiped the tears na patuloy na pumapatak mula sa namamaga kong mga mata. Ibinalik ko sa ilalim ng unan ko 'yung litrato na nagpapaalala sa'kin ng isang bagay na buong buhay kong pagsisisihan.

I composed myself nang marinig ko 'yung pagkatok ni Ate Bianca.

“Bunso, pwede ba akong pumasok?”