Embarrassment - (An Everlark Fanfic)

Chapter 5 - Regret

'You know you're in love,

when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.'

- Dr. Seuss

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Mystery POV 

I left him the note. I left him that indescribable note informing him of my departure and that the time would come for Katniss to eventually move on. Move on away from me. I would give Katniss and him my absolute blessing. Her happiness was a price I had to pay and I feel so desperately miserable without her presence. The pain I feel mentally and physically is as if I placed a shotgun to my heart and dying of a slow and painful death. Without her I have withered away to nothing, nothing I tell you.

The pinnacle of this grief is that I have no notion of what she looks like. Or the way she took me not attending our own wedding. It is days like these that I feel anxious to see her but I am held back with the constant fear of the unknown. Fear of rejection. Fear of hurt. I am able to go back to Town 12 now that I am safe and cannot hurt her any longer, but I am a coward.

It is why I left. I was not worth seeing her cry every single as I imagine every day after my departure. I was not worthy enough for her at all because she was/is just too perfect and genuine. The truth is I anticipated our wedding and marriage long before I proposed to her yet, one small little appointment changed all that. One small hour of my day changed my whole life as I knew it.

As much as it kills me to admit, but I do not care about my own well-being. My actions were as a result of my love for her and my family. It meant losing her in the process so she could learn to be a happy person without me. I would rather her happy and alone than a miserable, shadow of a woman with myself by her. I would not be at her side when she would need me to be. I would have been gone mentally and emotionally.

Two years of exile was all that I was granted. It is long past two years, it has been five. I still stay in this town, in the fear of the unknown. I do not think I could ever bring myself to go back and I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain she went through when I departed. I can't just go back and reopen the wounds which I had created. I can't hurt her again by metaphorically pouring salt and lemon on those wounds.

A constant though that continues to plague my mind and fill my dreams of nightmares are the words I proclaimed so confidently to her, 'I will never hurt you no matter what!' I cannot even live with myself knowing that I promised her something I could not keep, even if it was for her own good. What I did was what I had though was the better decision for her.

Maybe she has moved on. Even though I said I support and give her my full blessing come the time she finds another man to love her does not make the pain less bearable knowing she could be in the arms of another and not my own. I guess I am a coward because I'm too frightened to see how far she's come and what she has overcome.

Everyone thought I left no trace of myself or anything notions as to why I left but they are sadly wrong. I left a note. I left a note to Katniss' best friend, Gale - explaining in full detail of the reason why I had left. The ending of the note I had written surprised even myself, I never expected I would tell Gale that if the time had come and Katniss realises in her heart that she loves him and he requites that love, I would gladly give them as a couple, my biggest support and blessing for their marriage with wished that they would grow happily old together.

I just wish that I would have been the one would Katniss would grow old with. The unknownness of this situation draws me to believe that they could quite possibly be married, with little copies of themselves. Sometimes I wonder if she even is married and those thoughts urge me to return, yet, those thoughts push me to go back but I cannot as I am a coward. What is wrong with me?

I have changed and grown as a person and I know that I am an upgraded and better version of myself. With all the changes I have endured and encouraged the one thing that remains is that I love Katniss Everdeen and I long for her to be a present factor in my life. It is my desire to see her. She is my whole life!