Midnight Tears

Dear mother

Dear mother, 

When I look at you I can't help but look away. As if all my feelings just fade away. 

I thought you were the cause of my heart's decay but who it truly is I cannot say. 

Is it me? Is it father? 

Or maybe it's the darkness I was born with the kind that lays deep within everyone. Except mine is on display, maybe it's my black clothes or my cold face that gives it away but yet again I cannot say. 

I can feel myself slowly slip away, from you, from sanity, from everything. 

Dear mother,

When I look at you my eyes turn into a faucet, and looking at you a certain way turns the knob so much it breaks. And salty water pours out in the silence of my room and my sobs sound more like screams late at night, why? I cannot say. 

My world is a film of black and white. The only color was you by my guilt has washed it away. 

I am sorry. I'm sorry that I'm so distant and though I can't explain why I know it isn't you. 

I've began to blame my own mind. I blame it for being so dark and twisted. I blame it for not caring about anyone, including myself. 

Dear father, 

I wish I could look you in the eyes without being eaten alive. Your kindness kills. The kindness I don't deserve. 

I yell and argue and fight. You can call it teenage mood swings but deep down I know it's more than swings. 

It's the darkness that comes deep within. The one people fight but I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't okay enough to make things right. Color seems so...out of sight. My world is a film of black and white. 

Dear mother, 

Please don't hold this against me. The cause of this dismay, I cannot say. With each look at you my heart grows closer and closer to complete decay. 

It's the darkness that comes from deep within but mine is on clear display. The cause of my ways I cannot say. 

I put my headphones in and block out the world. I step into my own of black and white and other people are completely out of sight. 

I'll put my hands in my pockets to be safe. Like one jerk of my hand and all my self control goes to waste. 

I scream into my pillow late at night. My tears run down my face like the long branches of your favorite tree the willow. 

The willow, her branches long and graceful like you were when I was a small child. The way your long skirt flowed like the river, I wanted to be like you. 

But while you are in summer I am in winter, I'm too far away. But like everything else the reason for this I cannot say. 

Dear mother, 

Eventually my heart will decay. 

The once pretty willow will wither with death. The once blue river with dry.

Mother, I will not look you in the eyes when I say, 

Goodbye.