Midnight Tears

Ana

Many girls my age spend their days at the beach with friends or cook outs with family. 

I spend my days alone in my room, avoiding food, googling how many calories do I need to loose to loose a pound. 

I guess you can say I'm not a normal girl. 

I guess you can say yeah I'm insane but that's fine because this disorder will give me power. It'll give me control over my life. 

I will not see my hunger as desperation but as a prize a prize from not eating that slice of pizza a prize for dropping more pounds a prize for hovering over the toilet. 

I will not see my disorder as a problem but an opportunity. An opportunity to deflate the fat suit known as my body. 

I spend my days alone in my room avoiding parties or plans. Plans mean eating and eating means calories and calories mean fat and fat means ugly. 

I do not see my disorder as a disorder but as a blessing. 

I will welcome this hunger into my life and hold it tight. It's the only thing that will tell me I'm still alive. 

I'll get praised as I walk through the school halls. They'll ask me how I did it. How I lost so much weight. How I got my life on track. 

I'll say something like a diet but inside it's much deeper than that. 

This diet is special. This diet contains only oxygen and water. I like to call it Ana. 

I call it Ana because it sounds beautiful. And this hunger is beautiful. 

I don't see this hunger as a threat but as a friend. 

Ana holds my hand late at night she wipes my tears away. Ana helps me fight.

She helps me fight the urge to eat that entire box of cookies my mom bought. She helps me fight the urge to grab that apple out of the fridge. 

She helps me fight the urge to stay alive. 

Many girls my age spend their days at the beach with friends or cook outs with family. 

I spend my days clenching my growling stomach and wiping vomit from my mouth. 

I'm not a normal girl. 

I see my bones as a prize. I see my thigh gap as a victory. 

As if I was training my whole life to be light as a feather. 

I don't see my disorder as a problem but as a friend. 

I don't see my IV as a warning but as a trophy. 

I don't see my death as a loss but a win. 

Many girls my age spend their days at the beach with friends or cook outs with family. 

I spend my days dying.