Midnight Tears

Thin

My entire life I thought thin was beautiful
I was obsessed with the thigh gaps I saw in magazines and the sight of bones visible through skin
The more bones I saw on someone the more perfect they were to me

It wasn't until I grew older that I realized I was obsessed with these things because I didn't have these things

I never realized I wasn't perfect

It was in that moment I knew I had to do something
I stopped eating, and at first I was hungry 
But I had gotten used to the empty feeling in my stomach, I learned to love it
|I learned to love the girl I know as Ana, and I learned to love the help she gave me

Ana made me feel beautiful

The words fat, ugly, and useless would appear in the atmosphere when my stomach felt too empty
Sometimes I wonder how much more time I have here

We live in a generation where teens spend all their times googling diets and smoking cigarettes to loose weight
We destroy our bodies to feel pretty

The only moments I did feel perfect was when I was hovering over a toilet shoving my fingers down my throat 
Or when the numbers on the scale went down

By ones, fives, tens

It was like my body was made of plastic

Getting smaller and smaller everyday 

I felt proud when my thigh gap became so wide I could fit both my arms through it
When my bones became visible through my skin that had turned paper thin and pale as a white sheet
I was proud when my hair became so thin if I touched it, it felt like nothing

I felt like nothing

When I became skinny I felt perfect
Throwing up every day became normal
Feeling light headed became normal

So when you told me I had a problem it hit me in the face like a deer in the headlights
My visible ribs and collar bones became my oxygen
My veins that were becoming visible through my paper thin skin became my happiness
Trips to the hospital became my life

Dying is the only thing keeping me alive

I claim I'm fine, but I googled how many calories are in toothpaste 
My body is an empty cage

Everyday getting smaller and smaller and smaller

Until I just disappear 

But it's worth it

Because don't you know the more thin you are the more perfect you are?

So it wasn't until my death that I realized that girl named Ana's full name was Anorexia

And my love for her killed me.