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Chapter 2: That sinking guilty feeling

2 That sinking guilty feeling

Nicky was relieved he broke up with Josh at Friday. They’d have two days not to see each other again. She knew it would really be awkward and embarrassing for both of them if she did it on a day where there’d be school and they’d bump on each other just very fresh from the break-up. She dreaded for the coming of Monday, though. No one else knew they broke up. She didn’t want to spill out the news herself. And she didn’t think Josh would be bragging about it, either. She decided to keep it quiet. Eventually, everyone would just figure it out. She wouldn’t tell if no one would ask.

She hoped Josh would easily get over it, though. He had the weekend to forget about it. But, she knew it wouldn’t be that easy for him to really get over it. She had learned that Josh could be a sore loser. His break-up with Annie was ugly. He ended up telling stories how Annie was a two-timer and a slut. Nicky was not sure of the real story, but she knew it was Annie who dumped him. Would he be so mean as to make up stories about me, too? She did not bother to linger on the thought.

It really wasn’t the kiss. Or was it? Pretty much, it was the kiss. It was not something Nicky had dreamt for her first kiss to be. She wanted it to be special. Like there were magic and sparks flying around. Like the world would spin around them. But, it was nothing like that when Josh kissed her. He took her by surprise in a bad way, and turned it into a kiss she didn’t like to remember anymore. He maybe is just a bad kisser, after all. 

But then, it wasn’t just that kiss. Nicky felt no connection. She’d been trying hard to feel for him. She’d been convincing herself that they’d get along together just fine. But, she felt no gravity. She wasn’t sure if she really was attracted to him. She even wasn’t sure if Josh really liked her. And even if they’d try, they’d just be fooling each other. The moment they started dating, she already had the feeling it just wouldn’t work out. It just didn’t feel right.

But she knew one thing for sure. She was using him. Somehow, she was convinced it was because of guilt she decided she had to let him go. She also thought his cockiness, insensitivity, stupidity and that unwanted kiss made it easier to let him go.

 Am I being unfair? She wondered. Am I being selfish? She felt bad she broke up with him after only a week of being in a relationship. A knot was forming in her stomach. Another rush of guilt surged in her veins. For a moment, she was certain she did the right thing. Then suddenly, she felt another face of guilt that questioned the fairness of the break-up. Could I have just given him a chance instead of dumping him right then? She mused. But then again, it’d also be unfair if I go on with him.

She was back to the using-him card. She knew the entire time it was the only main reason she decided to go out with him. It was not him that she needed. It was a boyfriend. And he was there.

Oh, screw that boyfriend thing! Why did I buy such a-girl-would-never-be-complete-without-a-boyfriend bandwagon? It doesn’t make me any less of a person—or a girl for that matter—if I don’t have a boyfriend.

She used him all right. She used him so that all the girls in her class would consider her as normal—for a girl. She used him so that she could finally relate to their boy-talk and in doing so, would not feel so left out, then. And then, maybe, she could be friends with Lois again. But more importantly, she used him so as Iggy might finally realize she was dateable. She figured he might even get jealous of Josh over her.

Nicky realized how low, wrong and stupid she had been. How selfish of me! She finally settled to the idea that it was just right to end it with Josh before everything could get too much to handle anymore, before someone could really get hurt. She then promised herself never to do something stupid again such as dating a boy she didn’t even like so as she could win Lois’ friendship and maybe Iggy’s heart.