Race Against Love (on-going)

Chapter 14

ADLER

"Kuya, tulungan mo ako!"

Hinawakan niya ako sa kamay na tila ayaw niya akong pakawalan. Bakas sa duguang mukha nito ang labis na sakit at paghihirap. Halos hindi na makilala ang mukha nito dahil sunog ang kanang bahagi nito. 

"H'wag mo akong iwan. Please, maawa ka sa akin!" sigaw nito at tila napangiwi sa sakit.

And all I did was to stare blankly at him. At marahas kong inalis ang kamay niya na nakahawak sa kamay ko, na tila pinandirihan ito. 

Wala akong makapang awa sa dibdib ko. Kahit na konti. Para lang siyang isang taong hindi ko kaanu-ano. Hes's asking for help and I didn't care.

Then I walked away.

"Kuya!"

Habang papalayo ako, lalong lumalakas ang nagmamakaawang tinig niya sa pandinig ko. Sobrang lakas, hanggang sa sumakit ang tenga ko. 

"KUYA!!!

Tinakpan ko ang magkabilang tenga ko. But I can still hear his cries. Nagmamakaawa siyang tulungan ko siya dahil gusto pa niyang mabuhay.

Pumikit ako nang madiin at sinubukang magbingingihan. Pero tila isa itong alingawngaw na paulit-ulit kong naririnig. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kaya ang lakas ng sigaw nito. Parang sasabog na ang ulo ko.

And I screamed.

"Tama na!!!"

"Adler! Adler!"

A hand violently shaking me brought me to the present. Napalikwas ako at naitulak ang nagmamay-ari nito.

At nagulat ako nang makilala ito. It's Jill.

Bahagya siyang napaatras, bakas nito ang pagkagulat.

"I'm sorry," nailing kong sabi. "It's... a bad dream."

"You were shouting..." nag-aalangang sabi nito.

"I know...akala ko totoo," paliwanag ko.

I was covered with sweat when I woke up. Humihingal ako na parang tumakbo ng ilang kilometro. I was exhausted and got up. I can't breathe and all I wanted is to go out and get some air, anywhere but here. 

Ngayon ko na lang ulit siya napanaginipan. It's been 3 years, pero parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat. And I will never forget that day he died. Even if I decide to live my life like that day never happened, I can't.  

Laging ganito ang panaginip ko. Paulit-ulit. Humihingi siya ng tulong sa akin at lagi ko siyang iniiwan. It seems that this dream keeps on reminding and blaming me for what happened. 

I hated myself. Kung hindi ako nakipaglapit sa kanya, sana hindi siya namatay. I think everything has to be blamed on me. I know that I may have weaknesses because I'm just human. But what happened to Alden was not an excuse. I should be held responsible.

I've been through rough times in my whole life, but this one hit me hard. Wala ng mas sasakit pa sa mawalan ng mahal sa buhya. At sa tingin ko, mahihirapan akong makabangon pa ulit. May mga pagkakataong natatakot ako nang walang dahilan. Like I've never been scared in my whole life. And when you're scared there are places that you're afraid to go to. Just like in my memories. May mga bagay na ayokong naalala. 

When he died, I thought I  stopped breathing. It felt like I was on death's door. Like my chest was cut open. And it pisses me off knowing that I'm still breathing. I was horrified and broken, that he was lying there barely breathing, and I can't do anything.