Helpless

Ponyboy

(Pony)
I couldn't tell sunset from sunrise anymore. I'd wake up and one of my brothers would give me pills and then I'd dose again. One of them was always with me; sometimes Soda's arm would be around me, other times Darry's. But I never woke up alone, and for that I was glad, because sometimes I'd wake up so scared I could barely move and I'd start panicking and they'd have to hold my hands to keep them from trembling while talking in low, steady voices. I'd cling tight, whimpering and coughing, trying hard not to look at the blood that would burst in dark spurts from my lips, thicker than ever. Both my brothers began staying with me; I didn't want one over the other; they were interchangeable at this point. I loved them both the same.

Two-bit came to visit every day, but he didn't say much other than to tell me that the school was putting a fund together for my brothers, and that even though it was summer lots of kids were asking about me. I got a lot of cards from friends in my class, ones I'd refuse to see because of the way the chemo had mutated my body. Sodapop would read them to me before I dropped off to sleep at night. They were a nice way to end the day.

I thought a lot about my parents. A lot. I wondered what they had gone through before their own deaths and where they were now. I wondered if they knew I'd be joining them soon.

I was okay with it, for the most part, except for the few times I'd woke up panicking. I only wanted one more thing.

"Darry," I wheezed one night when I woke up with him beside me.

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favor."

"Sure, kiddo."

"The theme I wrote for English...will you read it?"

He nodded solemnly. "Sure."

"This sounds stupid," I had to stop and gasp for a moment. Darry stayed by me, rubbing my arm to keep me calm. "But I want you to try...to get it out. Let people read it...so I can know I did something...while I was here."

He ran his fingers over the thin wisps of hair that had started to grow back over my scalp. "You have, baby."