Army Tanks - Lashton - Ended

39

''What... Uhm... What happened with your brother...?'' I asked, fearing that it may upset Ashton.

''Car accident. Or that's what I tell people. That way they don't see me as such a bad person. But the truth is... It wasn't an accident. It was on purpose... Or... Well... He did it on purpose... I was just unlucky enough to be caught with him, on his way to death. He tried to take his own life Luke. I was only 14. He was 23 by the time, and suddenly decided, that he didn't want to live anymore. He had been depressed ever since our real dad had left. 

''Though it should have been me, who was depressed Luke. My own fucking dad decided to just leave, three days after my birth. I was the reason he left. He didn't want me. I was a fucking mistake Luke. A mistake. And my mother never failed to tell me that. I used to love the woman, and believe her. But not anymore. Now I hate her so fucking much. It's her fault I'm scared of falling in love with someone. With you. 

''I was so fucking scared Luke. That's why I left when you were pregnant. And after James' death I thought that I could just slowly fade away from you... But then you said you loved me, and I was so freaking scared Luke. Because how could someone so amazing like you, love someone as shitty as me. I sent you through hell, just because I was scared myself.

''I didn't even think about what you felt. I only thought about myself, and I regret being such a selfish ass back then. I really do. If I could, I would turn back time and change everything. Stay with you. Not treat you like shit, and give you a chance, the first time I saw you under that tree. You looked so peaceful, and I just ruined it all, because already then I got scared. 

''Because I had never been attracted to someone, just by looking at them. You made my world spin, and my thoughts race. I just wanted to know who you were. I wanted to know you so badly, and be nice to you, and hold you, and call you mine. I wanted you back then. So much. And I love you so much. But that still is no excuse for what I did to you. I sent you through hell, just because my own family did the same thing to me. 

''And I know it's stupid of my family to blame me, a little 14 year old boy, for his older brother's accident. But I believed them. I really did. And I still do, just not as much. I thought that it was my fault that they were all miserable. I thought that I was the reason for their misery. I thought it was my fault that my brother drove off the road, tumbling down the cliff, and straight into that tree... I really thought it was all my fault. 

''So I told them all that we were in an argument, and that I got mad, and pulled the steering wheel, taking all blame from the accident. I just didn't want my family to see that the one they thought was the strongest, was actually the weakest, and the one who broke down at night. I wanted them to see my brother as the brave and sweet one, and me as the bad guy, who was just jealous of him.

''I wanted them to keep seeing my brother as some big hero, who would save them all from their misery. That I would be able to make them keep on loving him, and keep on hating me. Because I was used to it anyway, so it's not like anything changed. The day I turned 18, my mom and step dad threw me out, telling me that I was now legal, and didn't need to live at home anymore. And that no son of theirs should be gay.

''I remember asking them why they didn't throw my sister out. All they said, was that she needed special treatment, seeing as she's paralysed, from the hip and down. She was in the car too, but didn't remember anything. She still doesn't remember her life before the crash. Or at least that's what she says. But I still felt so hated by my whole family. I didn't speak to them for years after I moved out.

''I joined the army at 19, because I had nowhere else to go. I didn't have a place to stay. I was pretty much homeless. It was then that I met Calum and Michael... They took me under their wing, and let me crash on their couch, while I looked for an apartment. I started liking Calum, but tried to stop myself when Michael told me that he had been in love with Calum for years. That was back when they were still friends... 

''They later became a couple, and I moved out from their couch, because I found a cheap apartment, that all in the army could have, and only pay for when they were home. That was my only place to go when I wasn't in the army... It was then that my affair with Calum started... We were drunk the first time... It was a small party to celebrate that he had been promoted in the army.

''We ended up having an affair, and he persuaded the others to promote me too, so we could meet up at other times, than when we were at home. I felt like shit doing that to Michael, but Calum was a good fuck, and I was young and naive, and the fact that I got attention that wasn't out of hate, felt so freaking nice. To finally have someone who cared about me. Someone who actually enjoyed listening to me ramble on and on about nothing really.

''But me being me, ruined everything. Everything. I didn't only ruin Michael and Calum's relationship, but I also ruined our friendship.'' Ashton said, though not a tear had run down his face.

Not a single tear was in his eye.

''But I have you now... And I have Elliot and a baby on the way, and that's truly all I could ever ask for. Because you guys are my family. The family I never got.'' Ashton whispered, before sitting up, and kissing me.