White Lies and Black Eyes [Timids]

Part XII

Shane's pov

It been a few weeks since Drew and i's first date, I was still trying to make it up to him as much as I could. No amount of cuddles or apologies would make up for what I did. I knew this. The problem was though; I didn’t know how to make it up to him. I try to show him that I really do like him, but in a certain way that I felt comfortable with. I couldn't kiss him; I'd probably cry and hide away. I couldn't stay in his cuddles for too long, I'd hide and cry. I couldn't tell him how I truly felt about him, id hide and cry alone. See a pattern forming here?

I was pathetic, that fact was obvious. Drew deserved so much better than me, yet he hasn't given up. He holds back as much as I do and it's only a matter of time before he realizes that this wasn't going to get much better.

When I wasn't trying to somehow do the impossible and make drew realize how much I really like him I was avoiding Laurence's attempts at trying to make me tell him what happened that day and catching up on my sleep. I've never been a heavy sleeper, and things began to get worse when Jay's abuse started. I'd sleep lightly, more lightly than I did when I was young because I would be cautious of what Jay would be like when my guard was down. Sleeping was letting people know publically that you were vulnerable. If a miracle did occur and I had managed to crash out somewhere I'd either be falling into a deep sleep where I would black out completely, or nightmares would prize their way into my subconscious and destroy any forms of a 'good night’s sleep'. The dreams were varied, yet still had a similarity; Jay. Whether it was kisses and cuddles, or harsh hits and fear they were all equally terrifying and painful and I'd still wake up the same; with stolen breath and tear stained cheeks. Drew has woken up with me a few times. He said he could hear me mumbling in my sleep from his room next door. I don't mean to wake him up, I would apologize and tell him to go back to sleep but he wouldn't have any of it. He'd leave but return a few minutes later with a tissue and sit beside me wiping away my sweat and tears. When I go to protest and try to take the tissue from him, he would gently take my trembling hand in his own and kiss my cheek lightly before telling me the same thing every time; "I'm here now. Nothing's gonna hurt you, I promise." I was so grateful to have him in my life; he means the world to me. My feelings for him were growing stronger daily and every touch, word, and smile made my heartbeat quicken and my breath hitch longer. He was perfection in human form and I couldn't believe I didn't see it sooner. However I often ponder whether I was being selfish; was all this because I was receiving attention? Did I really feel like this for Drew or am I just enjoying having someone tell me they love me? Am I lying to myself? I then decide that I don’t care. I don’t need those answers, I knew what I wanted; I wanted Drew. I wanted his late night TV cuddles, I wanted his warmth when the bed was cold and I was alone, I wanted his high pitch giggle and his sarcastic remarks when I'd walk into the glass pane door to the kitchen everytime, I wanted to go to sleep curled up beside him and wake up to the same beautiful sight; I wanted it so damn much but I didn't know how to tell him. I wonder if he wanted the same. I hoped so. I couldn't lose him.

Today when I woke up I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I didn't see the point; we had band practice yesterday so we had a day off today. Luke was going on a date today with a girl he had been texting for a while, and Kier and Laurence had an interview for Kerrang! Magazine and I supposed they would have left by now. It was initially for the whole of FVK but Drew, Luke and I nominated them to be our spokesmen on the topic of our upcoming tour. They usually did the talking anyway; we on the other hand had trouble finding what to say when being put on the spot. Plus Keveridge would be the most informed on the matter, I have no idea what has happened band related recently. My mind seems to go blank when I think about what I've been up to, like it's been put behind a pitch black barrier and I can't see what's behind it. All my memories are of Jay now, although Drew seems to push his way forward sometimes and my mouth would curve upwards and grin like a teenage girl texting her crush. It's silly and childish, you'd think I'd grow out of the teenage crush phase by my early twenties but not when it comes to Drew. He's all I think about and I can't help but be confused by it. I thought I loved Jay, I thought Jay was the only man for me and I needed him in my life forever just to process correctly, but now I think I might have been wrong all along. Maybe I do have a chance when it comes to love? Maybe someone is out there for me who will cherish me, love me truly and allow me to do the same to them? Is Drew that person?