What Baking Can Do

Heart, Stop Racing

Jessie and I stood in her kitchen in icy silence.

All I'd wanted was a little discussion. About a simple topic. But she'd misinterpreted and turned it into almost an argument. It wasn't completely her fault, though... I'd been acting strange, and I was just now actually realizing it. Our most intimate moments have been baby steps compared to previous relationships I've had and it was bothering me. I had literally dreamt of kissing her, several times, but now that it's reality... I've been fighting the type of nerves I've not felt in a long time. With my worrying and the stress from Jessie's recent breakup, we both would've benefited from some time away from figuring our relationship out. That didn't happen, though., I found myself in another battle with my thoughts about whether or not it's too soon to kiss this woman or if we needed time. I was worried that a kiss would lead me to take things further than either of us would be ready for.

--

"That's not what I meant," I said quietly after a moment, trying to keep the anger out of my voice while also trying to get across to someone who was as stubborn as I was.

"Then what did you mean?" Jessie asked, letting out a little laugh and running her fingers through her hair. "You said you needed space and time. For what? Why?"

"I told you why."

"Then it must've come out wrong or something because it sounds like you're saying you're having trouble being with me."

I sighed and closed my eyes, trying not to scream. "Jessie-"

"Dude, just say it."

"Jess-"

"Tell me the truth."

"Jessie!"

I instantly regretted raising my voice-- she'd kept her cool more than me-- but I had a reason. She wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to explain that she was simply being paranoid. The orange-pink rays of the setting sun shone through the window and illuminated her face, prominently her eyes, which were lowered towards the floor. I felt like an asshole, even though I knew I didn't really do anything worth having this big a fight over, I just needed to calm my mind.

"Just. Listen," I begged, softening my voice. "Okay?"

She nodded and looked back up at me with raised eyebrows while pretending to zip her mouth and lock it with a key.

"All I was trying to say was that I want to take it slow. That's literally all it was, Jess. Why are you being like this?"

"I'm not being like anything. You barely talked to me at rehearsal today," she fired back

"But did it seem like I was mad at you?" I retorted.

"Well... no. I mean, I don't know, though. How was I supposed to?"

"You wouldn't," I sighed, feeling guilty. "I wasn't about to have this talk in front of everyone.."

With her arms crossed, Jessie leaned up against the countertop and nodded. "So what do you mean? Please just explain, I'll be quiet. With you being dodgy and beating around the bush with this, I just assumed you were upset with me or something. I don't know."

"No, oh my God, no. I've not been mad at you, Jess. I just. I want to make sure that before we jump totally into this that.... we don't jump totally into this."

Jessie looked at me dumbfounded. "Huh?"

I laughed a little because there was a nervous feeling sitting in my stomach for what I was about to say.

"Like... okay, so in Waitress, Jenna and Dr. Pomatter meet, and the first moment they discover they like each other, they go in hard. Like, hard-hard. You know?"