What Baking Can Do

Too Tired This Time

My shitty day began with a therapy appointment. It was 10 o'clock on a sunny Saturday and I felt like an absolute trainwreck.

The therapy itself wasn't bad. I had a good therapist who understood and tried to get through to me. But it just wasn't happening today. The session was less healing and more crying on my end.

Even with my relationship with Jess going well, I still had my off days. Our sleepovers continued but we also made sure there were days apart during the week to avoid suffocating one another. I was mostly relieved Jess didn't have to be around me because I was mostly afraid of hurting her... on the contrary, because we were friends long before we were anything more, Jessie has already seen some of my low days. She was one of the few who could help me through them.

After touching up my makeup in the bathroom mirror to try and hide everything, I headed outside to walk around for a while. Part of me wanted to go home and bury myself in my sheets, but the other half was restless. So I trudged through the streets in search of nothing and blended in as just another insignificant face in a city of millions.

I was so used to our rehearsal schedule that having time off left me a bit lost. I kind of wished I'd had someplace to go, something to do. I wished I'd had the energy to find someplace to go or something to do. And it wasn't the energy you could gain back from sleep- I'd gone to bed really early the previous night. It was the kind of exhaustion that rooted itself in your head to manifest and left the physical effects lingering, as well, until it was all-encompassing and debilitating.

As I walked, I saw more and more people around me. That was one thing I didn't always like about New York- there were so many fucking people. I was getting closer to Times Square, and I didn't even want to be there, but I hadn't been paying much attention.

It felt like everything was happening around me. I wasn't really seeing or hearing or feeling, just going through the motions. There was a gray filter over everything and I was stuck in my own little bubble.

Sometimes that felt good.

I stepped onto a sidewalk in Manhattan and heard a shout. "Sara!"

I turned to see Jessie walking up. "Hey!"

"Oh, hey," I said, trying to smile and snap out of my bullshit while this beautiful human stood in front of me.

"What have you been doing?" she asked, slipping her hand into mine as we walked.

"I had therapy."

"Ohhh, that's right. How'd it go?"

"Fine." I already knew before answering that this short reply wouldn't go over Jessie's head.

"Cool. How are you?"

Oh. 

I guess it did...? I was a little set back by our short conversation, I enjoyed her company so I tried not to worry about it. I was mentally exhausted.

"Fine. You?" I replied.

"Tired but better now."

We decided to walk to her apartment. It helped that it was warm and comforting inside.

"Are you hungry?" Jessie asked after we'd gotten settled.

I shook my head. "Nope, I'm good."

She sat down beside me on the couch and kissed my cheek, pulling a blanket up over us.

"I missed you."

A smile forced its way through. "We just saw each other two days ago. But I missed you too."