The Lies We Live

ms. perfect

"wanted three things: watches, chains, and gold rings."

Have you ever met someone that was so perfect, it felt as they had fallen from heaven or something? Everything about them is perfect. They're pretty, smart, happy, popular, loved, and generally liked by everyone they meet.

She's the kind of girl that makes me wonder why I even exist. How am I supposed to compete with someone like her? And I understand that I shouldn't be comparing myself to others, but I suppose it's inevitable. It's hard to see someone with such a good life, and then have to go back and live your own messed up one.

I stopped telling people about it because they would always say how for her there would always be stuff happening underneath. Things you couldn't possibly know. But the thing is, I do know. I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to people. She's told me how she's the favorite child, how rich she is, and how good her friends are to her.

Now take my life. My parents fight so much, my sister and I practically had to raise ourselves. She goes home to a sanctuary, I go to some kind of hellhole. Where my father is in so much debt, I try not to buy things because I know it's all coming on credit. And Friends? Forget about that. I had a best friend, but she left me. To be honest I'm fairly sure people wouldn't even notice I was gone if I were to kill myself (don't worry about that though). I'm a walking disaster, and someone always has something to say about how annoying or dull I am, and sadly they're right.

You got everything and I got shít.

Teachers like her, people like her, boys like her, I bet if the whole world met her they would like her. No one would give me even a second glance. Because compared to her, I'm nothing. More than anything, I wish I could be enough.

Take today for a perfectly good example. She had a 'panic attack' in the physics test this morning. Of course, you did. Despite that, chances are, she will probably still get a higher mark than me. Try dealing with depression for the most of your adolescent life. Try having not one, but multiple panic attacks. Try living like the pathetic scum I am, and perhaps you'll understand.

I'm so tired, that I can't even fathom to you. How will anyone ever love me when there are people like her to love. I asked her once if she wanted to be a doctor, and she said might as well. As if she knew how smart she was.

In the grand scheme of things, I ask myself what's the point. I feel that I must prove myself, not only to me but also other's. I find myself questioning my worth. If nobody values me as a present member in society, would it even matter if I were to disappear?

I don't think it's about making your mark. I think it's about making your presence known. Understand that those two things can often become one. Making history, or making a living. There is a chance no one will ever know.

And where does happiness play into all of this? My parents always told me that happiness comes from within. But it's hard to say that atmosphere does not affect the greater joy you feel.

It may seem like I'm some sort of a pessimist, and I acknowledge that. Some things suck, and some things don't. I have a lot going on for me, even if I do have to live with the other crap that I so blatantly choose to focus on.

For which then, most would give some b.s response that you have to focus on the 'good'.

Oh, so you don't have severe anxiety and depression to deal with, you say?

My point exactly.

The thing is, when you say that someone shouldn't be sad because other people have it worse, it's the same thing as saying that you shouldn't be happy with what you have because others have more.

Then we get into this humorless rut of proving each other wrong with the very thing that was called into the question in the first place. It all becomes a game of who has what, and I have no way to tell you how to win. I suppose you could quit, whatever that means, but you could also just be ok.

Ok with the idea that sometimes things happen and that we have no choice but to live with it. Ok with the fact that most things are out of our control. Understand that we only frustrate ourselves when we latch onto hopes that are whimsical in design. I think if we prepare for the worst, we'd be ready when it comes, and then even when it doesn't, we'd still be fine.

I'm not telling you to be afraid, I'm telling you to be alive. If we could only stop dreaming up this future, and learn to plunge into the one we're meant to live, I think we'd be better off.

More important still, the existence of a perfect person does not threaten our own existence because perhaps perfection is not the point. As individuals, we are made real by the flaws within us, as without, we would risk having ourselves delve into this version of life where everything goes right. There, perhaps we will be happy, but we will never experience true joy.

The difference is knowing the worst and having a gratefulness that we are getting the best. To know this distinction is a blessing we are just starting to come to terms with.