The Lies We Live

growth

After everything is said and done, I find myself wondering: how did I end up here. All alone, but still hopeful. Because even after being hurt, being left, and being lost, I still believe in good days. Beautiful moments where I feel like the summer air will stay forever, because this moment feels infinite, and in this moment I'm the version of me that can still amount to something. 

I miss my friends. When I say this I talk of two groups of people. The people that used to be there, then left when they found better things. I also mean the people that my current friends used to be. 

At least the first kind is gone and I don't have to see them anymore. The way you feel when you see homeless people on the street. You feel sadness, but it is only human instinct to relate to others, and recognize that they are hurting. The same way you know they're gone, but you don't want them to come back. Because the people they used to be don't exist anymore.

But you're here with me, and I see you becoming someone else. I miss you. When I hug you. When I hold your hand. You are no longer the girl that cried with me when I was 15. And I have to deal with that. Because you did nothing wrong; this is life happening, us growing up and becoming the people we were made to be. 

But f*ck, I wish you stayed the same. 

This is to my love that I cut off, even though I didn't want to. I don't exactly understand why you did what you did to me. Maybe because you got scared and felt the need to pull away. Maybe because time and space do pull people apart. And I'm young and these things affect me. I wish you cared enough to say what you mean, but the reality is you're okay with hurting me, embarrassing me, and making me feel stupid for having feelings and caring. 

And I can't deal with that. Don't you think I deserve better? Because I think I do. 

I still think of us together in my head. I need time to make myself realize that the idea of you is nothing like the real you. And that these dreams and hopes don't mean a thing: the real you will never come to match. 

I miss you and I wish I didn't. No girl deserves to feel the way you made me feel. Undervalued. Under appreciated. Stupid. Reckless. Emotional. 

Alone. 

I felt like I was the only person really there when we used to talk. I know you have your reasons, but no excuse takes away the hurt, or the insecurity. 

I'm finally starting to feel like myself again though. Confident about my face, despite the acne. Taking care of my body because I have to look out for myself. I have to be my number one fan. I have to strengthen the relationship with myself. 

All the things I lost talking to you. My dignity. My self-esteem. It's coming back in waves, and maybe if we don't ever talk again, it's because we were both better off. 

It will get better one day, that is the promise I make to myself.