The Lies We Live

what a time to be alive

The uncertainty is the most humiliating, yet enticing part of all of this. On the one hand, the image of you in my head is a fantasy I build off of every day. In all my spare moments, I know my mind will drift towards you, not the real you, but the you I've created in my head. The one that feels the same way I do. 

I guess that's the humiliating part. You don't feel the same way, or at least the real you doesn't. So I have to force the truth down my throat every time I feel it rising back up. It is like bile; I am losing control of my body, and I realize this is why I didn't tell any guy I liked them before. Because I would end up feeling like this, and I think feeling alone is ten times better than feeling unimportant. 

I still remember the night you made me feel stupid for caring. And I can't tell you how much I hate you because of that. When you knew I was mad, and you wanted to call. I didn't say no because I didn't want to talk to you, I did. But I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of hearing me cry. Over you. By any means, you are a boy, and my friends tell me I can cry over anything but boys. So tell me why my tears are being wasted on you. 

I remember that night because I remember what I said to God that night. I asked him why he would make such an unlovable girl so loving in nature. I woke up with a fever the next day. They call it stress sickness and your job in my life was to make me happy. 

These days, I feel my smallness more than ever. Not in terms of height or weight, but because my social circle has shrunk to the size of nonexistence. Because I can't go to my friends with these problems. According to them I'm always doing the wrong thing. 

Don't get too attached. Make him commit to you. Why hasn't he come to visit you yet? Why hasn't he messaged you in 3 days, can't he make time for you? 

I think maybe if he really liked me, or cared about me, he would've have done one of those things. But he hasn't and I parrot back the excuses he's given me to my friends. And they look down at me, because I am pathetic for caring for a guy who doesn't care about me. 

I am vulnerable, and I don't know how to put my defenses back up. I feel the edges of my dissipate into nothingness as I hold onto the hope that I somehow matter to you. I hate this weakness because it is sucking the living daylights out of me. And I haven't felt like myself since last September. 

All I know is that you should be with someone who makes you feel like the sun is something that only shines when you are happy. You don't do that for me. You make me feel pathetic, and I need to pull myself away from this situation. 

But how do I pull myself away from you?