The Lies We Live

high school

"i am the kid with the motor mouth
i am the one you should worry 'bout"

If there were ever a place so treacherous. Almost like a drug trip, but not quite. Everything like a low quality version of reality. I could slit my throat in front of everyone, but everyone there has been trained to act a certain way. Everyone would watch and talk, but very few would do the right thing, that's to help. Does anyone even know what the right thing is anymore?

Sometimes I feel as if existing in a place that sucks so bad is defying the laws of physics; it's not logically entailed. Think of it on the larger scale. All these adolescents, coming to this place to, in a poor choice of words "learn" things, and prove in a totally not biased way that they understand.

To me, the real insanity is not the kids smoking pot or the girls who dressed for the club instead of school, because I was expecting that. What I didn't expect was a place so devoid of thought, everyone follows what's been put forth. So all these people, unpassionate, unaware, spend hours slaving over the work, and end up doing better than the actual geniuses in the room.

I wouldn't say I was smart, but I did have a fondness for understanding the world around me. And I will never forgive them for killing that within me. Dreams in the dust; crushed. I realize now that if you really wanted to educate yourself, then schooling would not and will not be enough.

And in the end, that's fair. Mark Twain once said:" I never let my schooling interfere with my education." Our knowledge is not the outcome of what we are taught; it is what we have come to understand. And like almost everything else in this world, most people won't know the dàmn difference.

From my experience, because in all honesty, I am quite a strange child, high school has become this realm of superficial things. Even the smiles on people's faces don't reach their faces. Because on them, it looks forced, a smile from someone else's face. The grades exaggerated, the makeup perfected, and the happiness pretended.

How can you possibly be happy when you're either studying, or being with people just as fake as you? And when the sadness starts seeping in, you just turn the music louder. But you can't do that; it's what I do. And then that would mean that we're kind of the same. What a funny thing to think.

The hardest part, being happy with what you have, even if it's morbidly less than everyone else around you. I have a 75%, while the rest of my class has a 90%, but I should be thankful because a lot of kids all the way in Africa, don't even have an education, much less a decent grade.

If you put everything into perspective, it can get a little depressing sometimes. I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore. It's hard to believe that none of these people ever dream anymore. Don't think about disappearing anymore. Don't these kids have any outrageous aspirations? The imagined lives that they want to live, but reluctantly accept that it's not going to happen.

Like moving to France and becoming a street fighter. Or backpacking the world and living on some spicy ramen and greasy delicacies on street-sides, and public squares. Reading an entire library. Skydiving, or scuba diving, or both. Becoming a stripper, or faking your death. These are the things we dream but dare not to say.

It's just so sickening to think that all we are, are mundane, insignificant individuals, and that is all we'll ever be. And that we're ok with that. Almost everyone I know lives in the suburbs, where there is so much order and normality, it has lost all humanity. Some of my peers even go as far to say, that they would like to live this way their entire lives.

Those are the people I'm afraid of. How can you replace excitement for safety. Trade authenticity for belonging, when really you're just proving to yourself, and everyone else how replaceable you are.

When it comes to grades, there is no such thing as friendship. There's so much competition these days, I wonder how people can live with themselves when they cheat on tests,  or tell other kids the wrong answers, sabotage... for what now? Scholarships? Acceptance Letters? Early Admission? If we are so willing to tear eachother apart for these things, then how on earth will we ever learn to trust?

This was supposed to be preparing us for the real world. These were supposed to be our glory days. A time in our lives with little responsibility and lots of fun. But instead, we are forced to deal with things that no one should ever have to. And it goes unnoticed because people refuse to look deeper than the surface. If there are no scars on your skin, and no cells dying, or lungs collapsing, tell me how we are supposed to know that your pain is valid.

Better yet, how do we validify pain? Is it before or after we find their  dead body hanging from the ceiling fan? Telling me I am not broken does not somehow fix me, same way as saying that one day it will be better, when neither of us even know if said day exists.

And I haven't just started to realize these things in my life, I've been in high school for 3 years now, so it's been awhile. The more you notice, the less you want to know. I've been distancing myself from people because I can't handle the fact that they're so absorbed in themselves, they can't even stop to notice the people around them, much less the entire universe. And that all the adults around us have allowed this absurdity to happen.

I suppose they give a blind-eye because they were treated the same way as children. And if we keep going in circles, how is it that we move forward; how is it that we progress? Is it those  kids that grow up angry at the world, that are moved enough to change it? Or is it just dumb luck. A mutation every once in awhile, a pleasant mistake we fear, but are thankful for.

If I could take anything out of this segment in my life, it's that you must learn to live for yourself. Do things, not in the hopes that people will notice, but in hopes that you will notice your own capabilities. I mean, isn't that what life is? Discovering yourself, and the world, and how those two things can fit interchangeably?

We cannot continue to wait our entire lives for something to happen. Because we'll be waiting for quite a long time. The world may be a morbid place where we feel lonely and upset, but that does not suffice as an excuse for being like that as well.

To be more, we must also do more.