The Lies We Live

celebration

There is no shortage of joy, or warmth, or any of those words we use to describe happiness. On this day, millions of people worldwide will slaughter a cow or a lamb, or even a camel if you're of the higher class. 

The mosque is overcrowded because there are too many people and not enough time or money to figure out how to make sure all of these people have a place of worship to come to.  I think I love the children there the most. They are the only ones who can truly enjoy this celebration.

There are women giving each other the age-old salutation: I come in peace. Some of them meet with open hearts and open arms. The love flows out of them like broken faucets that never ask to be fixed. Others, however, will stretch their lips, take on the gaudy expression of a smile. Forcing themselves to act like they are enjoying all of this. 

There is an arrogance that sticks out of them, all jagged ends that prick you if you get too close. I hate to say this, but no amount of prayer or volunteering will make you a good person if you were never good to begin with. The way it feels to see these people act so righteous for the approval. 

There it is. The rift in my beliefs. I don't think we should be doing so much philanthropy only to impress others, that's living in bad faith. To be honest, I don't even think we should be doing it solely for the sake of God. I mean, partially yes, because I want God to know that I don't take any of this for granted. But shouldn't we do things for the sake of doing them? Because people are oppressed and starving, nature is dying, and corporations are corrupt; I mean, are we not monsters for turning a blind eye to all of this?

That's what capitalism does. I just need you to remember, in order for us to live such lives of comfort, another 10 people were revoked of that privilege. One to make your shoes, one for clothes, one who got their immigration papers rejected, one who died from malaria, one who can never follow her dreams because she's a girl. And those are just a few. We only live in peace when we forget that the rest of the world suffers from our comfort.

Should we not even acknowledge that equal opportunity is not global and that capitalism profits from our neglect? Anyways I digress.

I feel guilty for celebrating eid because I'm not a good Muslim. When is the last time I picked up a Quran or truly prayed with full focus and meaning? I can't remember. And I hate how I can never go to the mosque for spiritual guidance. At workshops, they won't let us talk about boys or sex, won't let us say the words even. Because it's not appropriate or whatever. But I'm tired of talking about loving my parents. I already love them, f*ck. 

And even when we do talk, it's always overbearing and useless. How boys will break my heart, and how I'll never be the same after it. Blah blah blah. But shouldn't we tell those girls that things like love, sex, and intimacy are sacred? 

That when you're young, you're still trying to figure out who you are, and growing up is a solitary act. No relationship should ever overshadow the things you are meant to learn in your youth. How marriage is security. They won't have sex with you and simply leave you. How the waiting adds to the build up. I don't want my first time to be with someone I don't love. 

Without spirituality, I think religion is meaningless. Religion gives you direction, but it is spirituality that moves you to follow that path. And that's what I see around me. Everyone has the religion part down, much more than I do. But it's almost careless how they follow it. So forced and faked. Their conversations lack the depth of someone who truly believes. All their stories are based off someone else's words, and their faith seems so ingenuine to me. 

I wish there was a way to be religious that wasn't overbearing.