The Lies We Live

meaning

don't breathe so heavily,

i'll get the wrong idea."

We've come here before. Time and time again. I know now that time will stop as we climb up the hill. And that I never liked the colour pink until I reached the top. The falling sun leaves the sky in the faint glow of aftermath. Is it so bad that I want this moment, more than anything, to last?

We lay there between land and sky, as we bask in the silence of the summer that is escaping our grip. Soon the winter will come and suck the life out of everything, including us.

It is a relative quiet, coarsed with the distant chatter of families in the park, and waves on the beach. It makes me realize that I do not want to hear the relentless sound of cicadas in the distant grass or the chaos of high school; I want this. I want my life to have meaning. Meaning that doesn't pertain a job or a degree, but meaning because I thought it was important.

I don't want to meet people who will one day leave me because I don't want these moments to be tainted by the fact that you are gone, and that I have lost yet another piece of myself. I am a forgetful person, and because of this, I have had to leave so much behind, because my brain can't seem to hold on quite right these days.

So I want to obtain stuff, instead of letting go, because I am so f*cking tired of feeling empty. And that makes me a hypocrite because I will leave my parents in a few months, doing the exact thing I despise. But I guess when you're this young, there is no escaping the terrible decisions, simply because you don't know how to make a good one.

Everyone holds such a low respect for teenagers without fully understanding why that is. Were you not like this once? Tired? Confused? Scared? Have you never felt like the world is against you?

You've spent such a short amount of time here, and only now are you beginning to realize the evil that seems to be ever-present in your own life. And you hate yourself for not noticing this before. How could you have spent so long being so d*mn naive?

It is an uncomfortable place to find yourself between; ignorance and knowledge. How do you let go of the ignorance that has sheltered you from so much harm for such a long time? And how do you take on the burden of knowing in a way that it doesn't crush your spine?

I always wanted to believe that my first love was in middle school. It was the perfect amount of butterflies and self-confidence to make the world seem whole. But to know that love is a commitment and not interest is a very disappointing notion. Why can we not live on the whims of our foolish minds and call it life?

Why can we not stay naive for as long as we'd like? Just ignore all that works to bring us down, and act as if we are ok with it all. I suppose you, could do that, but it wouldn't solve the problems, only evade the fact that they exist.

It is hard to not only to understand but more importantly believe that knowing is our only way of salvation. Of course, we would feel happy in the deluded moments between denial and joy, but it wouldn't mean anything to us.

It would just be an empty memory in an even more empty life. The only reason a sunset on a hill is so meaningful to me is that I know how meaningless this life can be, and it is liberating to think that I can fill the void with whatever I please. Not money or fame, like society would like me to, but all the quiet things, the things that will only ever be mine.

If we can gather anything from the worst version of ourselves, or the version of ourselves that exists right now, it is that we can not spend our entire lives being angry at the world, or ourselves for being like this. Despite the scarcity, we must make the most out of this.