The Lies We Live

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"had a heart, man i'm trynna get it back tho."

If we were to follow the trajectory of our lives, it may surprise us, that despite how hectic it may feel at times, our existence can be mapped out as a fairly straight line. A tragic thing. To feel so big in a world that is infinitely more big than one can hope to be.

It's all so plain that it almost pains me to think about it. How mundane a life in the suburbs can be, where even the excitement can be ingenuine at times. Tell me, when did we sacrifice our sanity for this  sense of safety?

If we replace good grades for following our passions, and choosing to stay silent at times of injustice, do we still remain human? Have we chosen a life of normality instead of humanity?When we can go to all these causes where we support all the right things, but when given the chance to fight for these causes, not just with others, but in our own daily lives , we choose to turn the other cheek.

We have become bystanders in our own lives, I think. Strangers not only to ourselves, but also our people when they are in times of need. How absurd is it to pity people instead of helping them. I could blame it on the fact that we have been raised to be terrible people. Or I could say that what we do is wrong and that I will do everything in my power to fix things from now on. But I still  don't think that makes me a good person, because you could call it making up for lost time.

Erasing all past sins with an intention to do good today. I fear it won't be enough. Motivated to see everything that is wrong in the world, never the good. It's hard to unsee, if I'm being fully honest. How is it that we are still alive despite writhing in our own pain not occasionally, but on  a  daily basis.

Have you seen the suburb sunsets? So subtle you would think they never even happened. But they do, and in this desolate wasteland, it's the one thing I truly enjoy being witness to. Because the parks are no longer filled with eccentric children, and because dogs always try to eat my bike when I'm in biting radius, the sunset  for me, is feeling euphoric when sober. And that's amazing, because I understand now that life can only be presently lived when you aren't in the right state of mind.

It's almost a humourous, existing like this. Having so much to offer but too afraid to, or too idiotic to express your own goddamn potential. My veins are laced with laziness and fear, and that is a dangerous mixture to have running through you.

Like I want to change the world, and be the smart, cunning girl I imagine myself as, but in many, ways, I am the child that's never been to the park. I'm wasting my time. Telling myself that I don't have to. There's millions of people out there, and at least a few will achieve what I imagine myself to be.

For that very reason, I will tell myself that I am no better than those other people, and therefore I shouldn't bother. That's probably the best part about writing. If I were to say all these things out loud, I'd be shut down real quick. And I don't think it's right to ignore these things and shove them into corners. Because that's where they spawn bitterness, and you end up living life with the nagging feeling of unfinished thoughts that ended long before they were resolved.

I'm tired of people telling me of my potential, because despite my reluctance to admit it, I know. I know I'm smart, and ambitious, and talented. Oddly enough, you can know some things, yet still refuse to believe in them because the reality of it all has yet to settle within you.

I feel if we walk far enough, we'll eventually get back to where we started. And if we remember that, maybe we will feel a sense of comfort, and become stronger human beings. There is nothing withstanding our reach, but we must be willing to make that first step of stretching your hand, and reaching out.