The Lies We Live

"friends"

"how could you tell me that i'm great?

when they chewed me up,

spit me out,

pissed on me."

The skin stretched over my face likes to smile when in denial. Likes to laugh when it would rather cry. When I said it was going to be about the lives we live, ironically I was not lying.

The people we are underneath can be explained simply like this: the creatures that sleep by day and come to unrest by night. I guess I don't know how else to explain it. I'd rather be who they want to see instead of myself. I base my self-worth off the opinions of others. Perhaps it's because of the fear that lurks of being alienated from the social circle, or the inability to understand what it means to love yourself.

They want to see an enigmatic girl, a drama queen, a better-known stereotype than an actual person. And unfortunately, that is who they will get. If my parents need me to be the one ok thing in their messed up lives, I will be just that. I thought maybe if I couldn't make myself happy, I could at least try to do so for others.

What I never realized was that you can't help other's to the best of your potential, until you help yourself.

I'm not sure if it's just me, or if the world is conspiring against me. In such an indifferent world, it's hard to find home, and I'm not talking about the building you take shelter within.  This is the house where you suddenly feel awake for the first time. The place where you settled in and thought to yourself that for once, things would be alright.

It's the people you hide within on a bad day, and rise from on a good one. They are your prime motivators, your safety nets. Without them, it is arguable that your very existence would shrink into oblivion.

The sad truth is, not everyone finds this sanctuary, this home at the same time.  I mean, I still haven't found it. Without it, the world can be a lonely place, where you just barely manage to keep yourself centered.

To be loved is a wonderful thing. But to be admired is a far greater glory. You see, where love delves into the topic's of existence, and the gratefulness of having one another in your life, admiration pertains the idea that your presence is valued. You bring something new to the table, and without that, the whole dynamic would cease to exist.

Love wants you, admiration adores you. I'm not saying that love is terrible, but it is just as necessary to have relationships based off of love, as it is to create bonds by which the sole purpose is to be acknowledged as a vastly unique individual.

This gets harder in school. In university. competitive workplaces. Over the past years, we've done such a good job of shutting each other out. Not because we don't want to really know these people, although it can be at times, but because we simply have the illusion that we don't have time to.

It's either making that 90% average or spending your precious time with people who are probably going to leave one day. And the decision can be easy to make. It is far easier to shut people out than it is to let people in.

Bottom line is, if people actually were who they said they'd be, we'd all be sleeping lighter tonight. But people lie. So do I. Man it's just fear and love in the end. Driving factors that push us right off cliffs, and onto yet more daunting roads.

Believe me when I say it's nice to have someone want to know the real you. Someone who looks at you and refuses to accept that there isn't more. Inceptive people who keep you on your toes, but as irritating as it is, you're glad it's happening. Because it's nice to be challenged every once in awhile. Being told that there's more out there than you previously foretold.

You're not wrong to be afraid. Reluctant. Scared. If you put your heart in the wrong hands, it will inevitably end up being crushed. But then again, it's being torn apart that reminds us that we are no stronger than all of our weakest moments combined.

It will be a long, long journey before you find what is right for you. Friends who finally understand for once. And yes some people do have it better, but I think it's wise to keep in mind the fact that there will always be people with more than you, and also people with less, and to remember that that shouldn't take away anything from you.

I know it's hard. Believe me, I've spent more nights crying than I have talking to people, and that sucks. But that's just life I guess. Everyone is where they're supposed to be, and we all have to have the tiniest bit of faith that good things are coming our way as well.