The Lies We Live

love part 2

"So lay me down in Eden under stars."

I imagine that girls date boys who make them feel validated. Not pretty, or sexy, but worth the time they borrow on this earth. I imagine that intimacy is a language well spoken. The words never get lost in translation. Everything is understood.

And I think no one has ever called me pretty that isn't my friend. And they say it because I'm insecure, and they're afraid that I don't love myself enough. I don't. I spent the most of high school neglected unless I was causing trouble. And I wasn't a bad girl, just not so adamant on following rules that felt alien to me. 

Just last week, a guy and a girl got engaged in my grade. And it was beautiful because she comes into law class glowing, and I am awed at what real love can do to a person. I look at my own life, silently asking God what he has in store for me.

Because I'm afraid that anyone I love won't get it. I'll still feel lonely despite the fact that I'm loved. Like how I feel now. I realize now that I'm not replaceable, but I'm not too memorable either. I'm starting to understand why I can't be like the girls in all those stories. They have redeeming qualities that normal girls like me fail to have.

I don't look beautiful when I smile. My face scrunches, and I'm overtaken by the humour of the situation. I'm not delicate or fragile, or naive, and these are things that make guys love girls. Or so I'm told. I start looking cute after a few pounds of makeup,  but that's the only time where I look at myself and see something worth looking at.

In my high school, I've never seen a headstrong girl get asked out. It's always the soft-spoken, and quiet girls that people have eyes for. And this terrifies me because I feel like I need to be a certain type of person in order to be loved. My parents are only happy with me if I do what I'm asked, if I have the right friends, or if I'm choosing the right future for myself. They will love the daughter who grows up to be an IT professional, but I don't think they will love the daughter who becomes an astrophysicist. 

I guess my friends love me, and they criticize me for the choices I've made, for the qualities I have that are unacceptable. And I know it's because they want me to be a better person, but I can't help but feel ostracized by my own people. I know that drinking and smoking are wrong at such a young age are wrong, but it won't stop me from doing those things and trying to figure out life on my own terms, and not based off of what people tell me. 

Because I opened up to you, and you judged me. You looked at me as if I was less of a person than you for my actions. You hold yourself on a moral pedestal and expect everyone to abide by those same things. I wish you would understand that our lives are so different, and because of that, it's hard to look at the world the same way. Yes, these things kill you, but so do many other things. I can tell that you have never felt miserable in your life, that you've never wanted to end it. The thing is, I have. So please don't judge me when I use cigarettes to blow off steam, and alcohol to feel careless for just a little bit.

I fail so tragically at telling the people I love what exactly is wrong with me. Because I'm scared they will be mad at me for being so messed up. If I tell them that my life is being wasted. That I feel like I will never completely feel at ease in the presence of another. That all the people that love me can walk out my life just like that. There are no obligations in this funny place called life.

I'm terrified that you will realize just how pathetic I am, and you will leave once you do. And I'm scared of meeting new people because I get attached so easily. I have a bad habit of misplacing my words when I'm talking to you. Everything just comes out wrong and you look at me in disgust. I realize now that I am terrible at small talk. 

When I was really sick, I would always go to my friends and reach out. But I've stopped doing that since, because I don't want to burden them with my sadness; it is a weight that can never truly be lifted. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is so hard to love people and for them to love you back. I don't know how to arrange my words, or organize my thoughts in such a way to make you understand how much I cherish you. Or what kinds of thoughts keep me awake at night. I don't know how to love you, because sometimes you don't want my hugs, and sometimes you don't even want my presence. You will be really mean and closed off sometimes, and it makes me think that I'm not welcome anymore. But I hope the best for you.  

I don't know how to say 'I love you', and really mean it.