The Lies We Live

Untitled Part 44

there is something inside me that has made everything ugly. I remember there used to be days where my words were intricate vines, making something beautiful of my tragedy. 

But now, there is only dreadfulness, ugly in a community where everyone comes off as so pretty. As I stand in the crowd and watch one of my oldest friends get married to a man who she loves, and who loves her back just as much. 

At least some of us get happy endings. 

It felt as if there was a parting of my soul; a duality of oneself. I felt a bubbling happiness for her, but a feeling of despair for myself. 

How she has it all, and I don't. That is not to say that she doesn't deserve it; she does. But my life seems to pale in comparison to hers. Good friends, family, and love. A good career and a good heart.

Perhaps I am deserving of all that has happened. Don't I attract what I put out? I'm exhausted with my apathetic friends, moody mother, and unrequited love for someone more passive to myself.

I make up all of these stories in my head. How it'll all work out with him and maybe one day we'll be signing papers in a mosque together too. But I can't tell if it will really happen, as most good things never do. 

How I'll one day be amongst a friend group who values me, who doesn't make me feel pathetic, who are capable of being good people instead of half-ass humans. I wish they were there for me when all the bad things happened. 

Better friends exist, and I feel the difference when I'm with them. Good conversations, and a moral compass that demands to be followed. These are the people I will choose to keep when all of this is over. 

I tell my better friends about how they judged me, and shamed me, and she pointed out a plausible explanation: they might have been jealous. That I felt a real connection. That someone actually cared about me. 

I believe her, I honestly do. My next therapy session can't come fast enough. Because when I told her how it made me feel, she denied most things, and blamed it on her lack of emotion, but part of me thinks it's because she could care less. An insincere apology is worse than no apology.

I think maybe I need time away for these friends to recenter. I need to make a life for myself, and then determine for myself, where there's enough space to fit them all in. Or even if there is space for them.

Or else, they will suffocate my life, and I'll start feeling trapped again. 

I'm making these promises now, in case I forget what happened to me. 

Stay low key. If you're gonna do something, just do it. If you're sad or, going through some stuff, the world doesn't need to know. All your friends don't need to know. The best things are often secrets. Because when the world get a hold on what you have, I assure you: they will tear it to pieces. It is only in our nature to want what others have. And to become angry and act in subdued rage in order to compensate. In forms of jealousy and shaming, we are the bane of existence. 

"so full, and yet wanting even more."