Behind Closed Doors: The Candice Sanders Story, uncensored

My story: Chapter #2 Abandonment

There's this song by an artist I like name Kehlani her song "the letter" it speaks to me because she sings about being abandoned by her own mother. She feels as though it's her fault that she's not around. She says "and every girl needs a mother, and damn it I needed you, but instead you ducked for cover. Maybe I didn't deserve you, they told me I didn't hurt you, and maybe I don't understand it tell me is this how you planned it. Maybe I'm too much to mange."
This song means a lot to me I've never heard something so beautiful except for when I'm listening to Ariana Grande, Beyoncé, Chris Brown, etc. When I first was told what happened I didn't see much into it until I got into 8th grade all the way up to now my junior year in high school. It's so much going on I've gone through so much.

With God on my side and my friends, associates, and my lovely grandmother and 6:00 pm therapy appointments, I've gotten through most of it but emotionally I'm stressed, physically drained.

One of the things that bother me the most is I don't even know if my mother is dead or a live and God forbid that when she dies that I won't even know. She will never see me graduate high school, but I'm determined to change that. After 18 years of no communication it gets to you. They say " well she has other kids etc etc she's gotta a lot going on."

But that doesn't sit well with me because if you can be with your other kids you can take the time out to communicate with the one that's missing. My father is in my life but lately things haven't been so great. He's just all over the place and the funny thing is he tries to get on me about school but I'm like "you shouldn't be telling me what to do when you're not even here to protect me or to even know what's going on in my life." I've started to lose some respect for him.

He's out here having unprotected sex than gets the girls pregnant. He can't even take care of the ones he already has. I've always had my dads back but things are changing. This environment I'm living in now has turned for the worst. Living with my aunt is hell. I don't get to do things I would like to do I'm always being talked down on. Everything I do isn't good enough even when or if I feel like I'm trying my hardest It's still not good enough. But mother "if you weren't gonna guide me why bring me into the light."
- Kehlani

I don't ask anyone to show me pity, I've been through a lot in my life. I've dealt with the fact that my mother isn't in my life. It's difficult to deal with the fact that every year on your birthday you're waiting for that phone call from your own mother but deep down you know you'll never get that call, and you have to accept that. Every day I'd wonder why doesn't she want me. You're mother is supposed to be there to protect you just as much as a father is supposed to teach his son how to tie a tie, the first girl he brings flowers to shall be his mother, and how to respect a lady. Your mother should be the person you go to when you've had your first heart break and sadly it won't be the last heart break. When people hurt me its nothing knew to me "I'm used to it." A friend once told me " Candice stop! Stop accepting people to hurt you, like it's the first thing on your schedule." That spoke to me.