Call of the void

VII

Trigger warning: self harm

White.
White.
It makes no sense.
How is it there, yet no where?
How does it cling to you, how does it stick to your body and soul, yet be nothingness?
A void...

I opened my eyes to the bright white light above me and felt the crisp blue sheets below me.
I could feel and see and hear. Yet, i wasn't truly there. No matter how many times I heard the doctors voice asking if I was okay, I was underwater.

You don't understand me.

She grabbed my hand, Nevaeh did, Nevaeh grabbed my hand and held it to her face, it was damp from crying and it was as if we were parallel for a second. For a second, I thought she understood, but then I remembered...

She cried and screamed for me to answer her but, I was underwater.
I counted the patterns on the ceiling, one, two, three, four... I remember my brother used to do that, when he felt alone. Five, six, seven, eight...
I squeezed her hand, nine...
I heard the doctor say, I'll leave you alone, I heard him close the curtain but I didn't move. Ten.
I slid my hand away.

"Carim..." she looked sad, her troubles flashed against her grey-brown iris' and her pupils dilated.

"I'm sorry..."

"Why are you apologising?" She shrugged, "It's my fault."

"I didn't tell you."

Nev swallowed, closed her eyes, then opened them, and swallowed again.
"I'm going to get a coffee, I'll be back soon."
She drew back the curtain, then dragged it shut.

I was alone.

I pushed my feet off the bed and they landed on the freezing marble floor, they were bare.

You're a failure.

Something glistened, in my coat pocket, something shined.
I picked it up and spun it between my thumb and forefinger; my blade.

I held it up to my face and sighed.

Then there was blood.

I'm sorry.