flaws // h.s & j.t

fourteen

yesterday // the beatles

That night, I couldn't sleep. I had won my dreams. I was the winner of the X Factor 2011, but in the process I lost Harry.

"Yeah, because of your stupid decisions," I thought.

That night, I couldn't concentrate on anything except Harry. It was strange, to think that less than twenty-four hours ago I was infatuated with his best friend Louis. I was dissapointed in myself. I had abandoned all hopes of being with Harry, because I wanted his best friend. I don't know why I done that, I suppose I'm self-conscious, and I need to feel being wanted to by other boys who are not connected to me in any way. Louis won't love me like Harry did. He loved me, and I wasted his love. It was wasted on me. I'm so ungrateful, and I really hate myself for what I done to Harry, but what's done is done. Maybe I wasn't meant to fall in love with Harry. Maybe I was meant for Louis. Or maybe I was meant for someone else.

I'm confused with what I feel for him. I want to forgive him, but there's nothing to forgive. What he done was ordinary, I suppose. If he was the one that had sex with one if my bandmates, I'd probably kiss someone else. What I done was unforgivable. The horrible thing is, I want to tell Harry that Louis came on to me. Does that make me a bad person? And, I thought, me and Harry are over, so why am I getting so hung up over this?

I suppose he did come onto me, in a way. I mean, I know I wanted it but he was teasing me. I don't think it was all my fault. I'm sure Harry knows how manipulative Louis can be, but if I was any sort of decent human being, I'd focus on Harry, and I wouldn't let myself be a puppet in Louis's games.

Now I feel like a terrible person. I can't blame Louis for what I done. I should just accept my actions and their consequences. I suppose in a way I crave the attention. I was always the plain Jane, until I moved to London where I made a reputation for myself as a slut. The pain I felt from the departure of Harry was too much for me to handle.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I left my room and walked over to Jesy's room. I sharply knocked, and she opened the door for me.

"Jadey? You okay?" She asked.

"Yes, no- I don't know," I gasped and she led me inside.

"What's up babe?" Jesy asked brightly.

"No, I don't deserve sympathy. I done something really bad," I told Jesy, and I burst into tears.

"Tell me, sweetie. I won't judge you," she said.

I choked back sobs. "kay, well, y'know I met Louis? Well, emm... we were talking, and erm... One thing led to another..." I trailed off.

"What do you mean?" Jesy questioned.

"We had sex," I told her as I broke into sobs.

"What? No, you didn't!" Jesy exclaimed.

"Would I be sitting here, in tears if nothing happened?" I tried to smile but it ended up like a grimace.

"I can't believe you, babe," Jesy said, rocking backwards and forwards on the bed.

"I'm so, so sorry, Jes. But if that wasn't bad enough, I saw Harry kissing Caroline Flack," I told Jesy as I started sobbing.

"You shouldn't be apologising to me babe. I'm so sorry. Maybe you and Harry weren't meant to be. D'you know what? I think we should just cut all ties with the boys," Jesy said, as she grinned cynically.

"Same," I said.

"It's just Per's smitten with Zayn," Jesy told me, malevolence filling her voice.

"What? So, you're gonna stay with me? And what do you mean? How will we cut all ties with the boys?" I asked her.

"'Course I am! I just mean that we're going on tour for a while, so Per won't see Zayn too often, y'know?" Jesy said.

"What, Jes, no!" I exclaimed, finally clicking on to her plan.

"Why not?" She questioned.

"Because... well Perrie's our friend!" I told her. "We can't ruin this for her!"

"You and I know I've never liked her," Jesy defended herself.

"So what? That's no reason!" I argued.

"Hey, you do this for me, and I won't tell. Deal?" Jesy said.

"I'll think about it when I'm home for Christmas and then I'll tell you if I'm in or not," I told Jesy and then walked out the room.

I don't want to do anything to Perrie, but I can't risk anyone else finding out. Will they judge me? Jesy didn't, but then again she's planning to tell my friends if I don't help. I'm so confused, I really don't know what to do. I sighed, as I got ready for bed and let sleep evade my senses.

-------------------------------------------------------------

OMG SO WHAT DO YOU THINK JESY IS PLANNING TO DO TO PERRIE??????