flaws // h.s & j.t

twelve

400 lux // lorde (this song has literally no relevance to the chapter but it's really good) 

I told the girls about me and Harry, and I think Harry told the boys, because they came over when we were rehearsing and they kept on making remarks about mine and Harry’s sex life.

“Will you guys shutup? We’re trying to rehearse!” Perrie shouted at them. We were rehearsing Cannonball, our last song on the X Factor. Tulisa was watching us and I would occasionally catch her glancing at me, like she knew something that I never knew.

“That was bloody amazing, muffins!” Tulisa said as she ran onto the stage. “You’re gonna kill it! Don’t rehearse anymore, relax, take it easy!” She sang. The four of us laughed and left the auditorium, and walked into the hotel.

“Pez, what’s going on with you and Zayn?” Jesy asked Perrie as soon as we arrived in our room.

“Pez! Like the sweets!” We all glanced at her like she was mad. “You’s haven’t lived until you’s have Pez! They’re like, wee sweeties you put into a dispenser, right, and then you dispense them! They’re lovely,” Perrie told us. “Oh, and things are going okay with me and Zayn, you know. But how are things going with Jade and Harry?” The attention was turned to me.

“It’s really good! I really like him,” I answered honestly. 

“Have you spoken to Louis?” Leigh-Anne asked me.

“Oh no! It’s slipped my mind, shit,” I remarked.

“Why don’t you phone him?” Perrie asked.

“Nah Per, it’ll be better face to face, ya know?” Jesy told us.

“What will I say though? I can’t say ‘oh yeah sorry but I may have had sex with your best friend, ya know the one that I kissed you because he was there, that was just to make him jealous, but yeah anyway, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes,’ I can’t say that!” I told the girls.

“Tell him what happened. Leave nothing out,” Perrie told me.

“But what if he’s hurt?” I asked.

“He’s moved on, sweetie,” Leigh Anne told me.

“Well that makes two of us,” I replied dryly. I don’t know how to explain it, but I just instantly hated the girl. I never thought I was easy to replace, but I suppose I am. I don’t still have feelings for Louis, do I?

I like Harry, I told myself. But what if I was meant for Louis? What if the reason I met Harry was so I could meet Louis? 

**********************

“Harry, I need to meet Louis, ya know, tell him everything,” I told Harry. He arrived with Zayn at our hotel an hour ago.

“Is that a good idea, babe?” Harry asked me.

“Why would I suggest it if it wasn’t?” I snapped.

“Wow, chill. I just mean we broke up because of you meeting a boy, and Eleanor is really self conscious, ya know? Plus if it was me meeting another girl you'd rip our heads off.” Harry said calmly. Eleanor is her name. Eleanor.

"I don’t know. I need to talk to him though,” I said. “Sorry for snapping, I’m just so stressed right now,” I told Harry.

I really was stressed. I was worried I’d be the one that’d let the girls down, that it’d all be my fault.

I was also stressed because my feelings were annoying me. I really like Harry, and he’s really perfect, but I crave Louis. I don’t understand it. I know we have both moved on, however I need him.

I’m like a drug addict, and being unfaithful to my boyfriend is my drug. I’ve went downhill since Harry left me. I started caring about shallow things, like my hair. I kissed boys, primarily for the reason of wanting to re-ignite that fire that Harry had set alight in me. I became a complete prima donna.

My main goal was to look pretty, be rebellious and act like a shallow brat. I failed most of my GCSE’s, with no plan for my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do, I knew I wanted to sing, but the chances of me becoming a singer were slim to none.

And now, here I was, with my dreams looming over me. They could be snatched from my grasp, or they could make me become someone I didn't want to be.

I also had an amazing boyfriend, however I had a need for his best friend, who was also in a relationship. Both of these things were stressing me out. I was not proud of who I had become, I had become a shell of myself, however I couldn’t change.

I was meant to be the power mad Jade Thirwall. Power was going to be my downfall, and I was okay with that.

“Jadey,” Harry said lazily. “Are you okay? You seem preoccupied,”

“Hmm, oh yes sorry,” I told him.

“Here, lemme give you a massage,” he told me.

“Okay babe,” I told him. "I'm really sorry for snapping at you, I just-" I started and then broke down. 

That night I fell asleep with dreams of Louis.

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Love you guys!

-heartonelover xoxo