•Hold onto Me•

20

It's a week before Christmas break. And I'm so ready for a break, it's unreal how fast my time here has gone. Everyone around me has made me never want to leave, but I know that won't happen it's only a matter of time before I have to run again. Hopefully I will be able to finish high school before I hit that point.

This week on the other hand is never ending, and it's only Wednesday. Last night I barely got any sleep. I started having nightmares again, and I'm scaring the hell out of my brother.

In my gut I keep getting this sick feeling that something just isn't right. I don't know what to do, but I have to do something. I feel like a sitting duck, I need closure. I have to make the call. No matter how many times Josh told me not to, I still feel the urge.

I texted James since it was drizzling outside that I wanted to walk to school, and clear my head. I took out the clearing of my head part though when I texted him.

I went into the kitchen where I tried to force myself to eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes, but I haven't had much of an appetite. I just feel so blah. Josh meets me in the kitchen getting his cup of coffee in badge and uniform. We have barely spoken, it's making me nervous him working all the time. Everything feels off and I don't know how to handle it. I mean who can blame me? all the bad stuff started around this time. Now there's no happiness for the holiday everyone else gets to enjoy, like a normal person. There's just me remembering the tragedy that awaited me in the cold days of December.

"You're going to school today, right?" his voice nervous to ask.

I nodded then I was shocked it all my sense. My eyes went wide, I knew something felt weird about today. The dreams, the gut feeling, a sigh of relief almost swept over me, its just my conscience remembering. Nothing bad is going to happen it's just the time of the year that scarred me for the rest of my life. junior year, one year ago everything was semi-normal, then it was shot to hell, and I lived to tell about it. My face was stunned Josh noticed.

With a sigh of guilt Josh walked around the island in between us and gave me a hug. It was soft, he didn't know what he was doing, it felt awkward. I can't say I didn't like it because it did make me feel better in a way, but all I wanted to do was go crawl under the covers and hide. I hated today, the anniversary of me getting taken.

• one year ago •

It was snowing where I lived, today one year ago. I was just walking because like watching the rain I loved the snow. I just needed a moment to clear my head Josh had been yelling on the phone about work and it had gotten too loud. I took my phone with me and was texting Maggie my best friend. We had been best friends since elementary school she knew about everything with my parents and how my dad left us. She was my rock anything I told her she could handle it. That day we were talking about this boy she liked. We were 16 what else were we suppose to talk about. I was so excited for her. I looked up smiling when she said she finally texted him and that's when I saw him.

It had been 10 years since I last saw him. I was about 6 it was at my dads funeral, he was murdered but the authorities never found out who did it. I think that's why Josh wanted to be a police officer. He was my brother, he was suppose to be my brother. He stood under the street light just standing there in a very broad stance. It made me nervous, I could see his breath in the air and I just froze. I didn't know what to do, I know josh told me to stay away from him, but it's my brother.

•••

I try to forget about it, but between the sleeping pills, nightmares, trust issues, and starting my life over and over again it's a little difficult.