All To Myself [one direction]

Chapter 22

"We were just leaving,"  Zayn quickly muttered a reply, as he too, looked slightly embarrassed that the instructor had been staring at our little make-out session.

He took my hand in his, entwined his fingers with mine, and then lead me away to the exit. I frankly didn't know what to do. Sure, his actions were bold enough to make me freak out, yet with all that had happened, I didn't have room in my head to lose control any more. I was in some sort of freeze, as the situations before me changed immidiately, and the way Zayn took control over them and was leading me away with such ease that I sure as heck wouldn't have been able to muster myself, were too much for me to take.

As we left the centre and were making our way to his black Audi, Zayn turned to look at me before rubbing small circles in the back of my hand as he realised my state of shock.

"Are you okay, babe?" He asked softly, as he ever so slightly, leaned towards me.

And just then, like a key being put into the lock, all emotions came shooting from the back of my mind to all parts of my body. I pulled my hand away from his, as my eyes were widening at the shock that had finally settled in. My hands were shaking widely, and my breathed seemed ragged as I backed away from me.

"What's happening to me?" I asked rhetorically as I brought my hands to the top of my head and grabbed hold of a handful of hair. I shook my head, as the weirdness in the images of what I had allowed myself to do kept replaying in my head.

I couldn't believe I had fallen into the hypnotic trance of being attracted to someone. I had my bloody legs around him, I thought to myself and then shook my head again. The most shock of all was that I had let it happen in a public place... in front of everyone. My cheeks flushed as I recalled the instructor's reaction. I started feeling sick.

However, Zayn had already known me long enough now to expect these reactions, and as soon as he saw my ill expression he brought both his warm hands to cup both of my cheeks.

"Hey, hey, hey, Dion," he called, as he rubbed small cirlces with his thumb, "look at me, shhh," He tilted my head so I could look at him, but I pulled away and shook my head trying to keep the sickening feeling at bay.

"Dion, don't be scared," he walked forwards and raised one had to caress my cheek. I quickly looked up at him, and stared at him deeply. His whole face, had taken a more concerned look and was alarmed at my reaction.

You're braver than you make yourself believe.

Mother's words rang in my head and I then realised what I was doing. I felt furious that I had allowed myself to lose control again. I certainly didn't want to go back to square one.

"I'm such an idiot," I mumbled to myself as I brought both hands over my face in frustration. The sick feeling quickly vanished at the fear of disappointing myself again. I didn't move, however, and as I brought my hands back over my head, I noticed that Zayn had walked closer to me.

"You're not an idiot, Dion," he said without touching me, "I shouldn't have acted the way I did; I know you don't like attention and it was all my fault."

"Don't say that," I quickly composed, but he interrupted me again.

"I don't know what came over me, I'm sorry; I won't let it happen again," His tone was much sadder now as he  managed a small smile when he brought his eyes to meet mine.

"No..." I complained too soon than I may have wanted.

A glint of hope had appeared in Zayn's eyes as he then looked at me with confusion. He waited for my words before he added his.

What was I to say? I brielfy closed my eyes, trying to compose myself and also think about what to say to him. Why had I said 'no' to him? I'm so stupid, I thought to myself. My conscience was of course screaming at me to tell him that he shouldn't be sorry at all; and to not let it end here. Those last words had begun to trouble me.

Was Zayn truly planning on ending, whatever we had going, here? The thought of that made me uneasy as I certainly didn't want Zayn to forget about me. I knew that's exactly why I had blurted that response to him. I couldn't belive that my overthinking and overreaction to everything was going to cause me grief now.

I couldn't let go of Zayn.

Despite my thoughts, I had enjoyed the feeling of excitement that coursed through my veins whenever I was with him. I loved his warmness and the way he knew how to handle my inexperience, but most of all I loved the way he treated me as though I was truly the only girl in the world. The way he had allowed me to see his insecurities, as much as I had allowed him to see mine.

"I don't want it to end," I pluckered the confidence to reply to him. My voice was shaky but I had to get myself together knowing I would lose him otherwise. "Zayn, when you asked me to go out with you, I didn't know what I would be getting myself into; I had so many doubts and questions coursing though my brain, but anyway.... You're such a sweet and kind person, that as soon as I had given you another chance, those questions and fearful doubts began to go away." I spoke softly, looking at him uneasily, not knowing if what I was saying was the correct thing to say to him, but I continued, "I begun to, well,... like it." I blushed furiously.

"I don't know what comes over me when I have those panic attacks, but I'm sorry you have to see such things," I paused and then decided to just say what my heart and head were both yelling at me, "basically, what I'm trying to say is... Zayn, I don't want you to stop making me feel the way you're making me feel."

There was a huge pause, and Zayn didn't say anything once I had finished.

So of course, the worst thoughts begun to spin in my head. I thought that my speech was horrible; that it didn't make any sense; that I had just embarrassed myself. I should apologise, I thought, of course he should leave me while he still can, I'm a nightmare to be around. I shouldn't have blurted out my feelings...

But Zayn's warm lips on mine is what I felt next, and all my fears vanished instantly as a broad smile managed to appear proudly on my lips.