All To Myself [one direction]

Chapter 36 - letter 2

As I was folding Monroe's letter and slipping it into an envelope, my mind was bursting with thoughts. Thoughts of what to say in my next letter, because the first letter had already shattered me. I felt broken inside, and I wasn't sure how I was going to mend it.

But I took a piece of pape and I grabbed a pen nonetheless, and began writing.

I had so much to say to him, and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to express it. But I remember thinking that it didn't matter, because the Zayn I had spent my time with would understand. He would understand me.

And so it began,

Dear Zayn,

I'm terrified of losing you.

I'm not used to feeling the things you have taught me to feel and I don't want to stop feeling them. But I know I should stop. Life with you in it was hard, very hard, but knowing that you were beside me made it easier.

It's crazy. I said those exact same words to someone I thought was close to me. But I won't trouble you with the details, you don't need to hear them.

But what I will tell you is this: being with you meant taking a risk. I was encouraged to take a chance in being with you and for that I am grateful, even though it has cost me my best friend. Now, I am not grateful for losing her, of course I am not. I am grateful for the moments I spent with you and the things I have learnt about myself. Taking that risk, even though I knew it was going to bring me sorrow, was one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

I never thought in a million years that someone as famous as you are would take notice in someone like me. I thank you for that, because it has allowed me to see things differently. I was never a big fan of your band like the people at my school were, but having been with you and gone to see the talent you guys have, has left me gobsmacked. I was so wrong in ever doubting you. You are so talented, Zayn. Thank you for letting me see that.

And thank you for letting me see the person only some have the pleasure of seeing. Thank you for trusting me, and thank you for choosing me. I felt beautiful when I was with you, I felt loved, and I felt wanted.

Your confidence in me has left me be more confident about myself. I was such a pain when you first met me; I was always a wreck. I never learnt to control my nerves because my insecurities always took the best of me. But now they are going to have to take a back seat, because I will not let myself crumble again. I will be strong despite the chaos around me.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm just being honest, I am learning to cope because I know I have no choice. I have cried a lot and I have raged far greater than I could ever have believed possible. But for what?

I know I can't have the same things I had before. No one can relive the past.

I know I can't be with you, and I'm sure you know the reason now. You are not stupid, but that's okay. Like I said, I am learning to cope.

You have stumbled into my life and you have started a fire that cannot die. The truth is awful, but it is what makes it real. You cannot be mine.

I don't belong in your world Zayn. It was like nature knew that and that is why it tried to balance the order of things by making me suffer the consequences. I have learnt a lot about myself, but with that came the price. I have lost a lot of things, and I know I cannot have them back. But as my teardrops hit the paper and I watch as the stain of the ink smudges my words, I don't want you to feel saddened when you see them. I want you to be glad that it happened.

You were a dream; a dream I will always remember and a dream I will never forget. But a dream I know will never happen again.

Your smile will remind me to keep going. To not let myself sink in, because you believed in me Zayn. So, I should at least do it as a thank you to you.

And when I feel that pain in my chest because I cannot feel your arms around my waist or the taste of your lips against mine, I will surely cry but I will smile as well. I will smile because it happened and I will smile because it was real. I was happy and life was sweet when those memories were being written in our lives. You will remind me that life can be good. That it can grant you with gifts that make you feel alive; that make you notice the colour of the sky or the roundness of the moon, the flutter of wings on a bird or the song they humn at a break of day.

I will smile because there is no point in crying. Where will my tears lead me? I already am broken enough.

I'm sorry you are being put through this, but you have to know. No matter how little time we had together, I know those memories will last forever. And I'm sorry you can't do anything about the way I feel about you, because it feels like I am drowning. It feel like I'm missing something, Zayn. Like you have ran away with a piece of my heart. 

But you must keep it. Knowing that it belongs to you will keep me afloat through this. I won't ever be able to come out of the water, because coming out means losing you. That is why I will float in the waters of your love.

And no matter how much time passes, I will always be in some kind of love with you.

Smile, Zayn.

Forever yours,

Dion.

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I thought I would end it there. Everything will be resolved in the next chapter, if not that one then the one after that for sure ;) And then that will draw this story to an end [ insert teary eyed emoji here ]

I'll do all my thank you's later on, so I won't bore you with them now haha.

But I do want to say is that you guys should add my next fanfic to your libraries; it's called 'Cigarettes and Hickes' and it's a Niall fanfic. It's quite a dark story: Ocean is not your typical girl; getting high and into trouble is what she likes to do best. Niall is the cheeky chappy that finds her intriguing. The only thing worse than a boy who hates you, a boy that loves you.

Follow my instagram @willyouzarryme for edits or videos or quotes or to simply be friends.

Love you all and please don't forget to COMMENT! xo