All To Myself [one direction]

Chapter 36 - letter 1

Before I even started I stared at the blank sheet of paper in front of me. The pen tightly clutched in my hand I saw the end of the paper slightly moisten as my tears began to fall.

I furiously wiped them away, and wrote down - Dear Monroe. I scratched the 'dear' part and the scrunched the paper up as I was angry to have such hate build inside me. I threw the paper against the wall and watched it bounce on my bed before settling on the floor.

How could she do this?! I thought. She is my best friend. I never, never saw it coming.

I wrote 'dear Monroe' on the sheet again and as I wiped the last of my tears away, I pulled the sheet slightly higher and began to  write.

Seven years I have known you. Seven years I have stood by your side and watched you grow, confided in you when needed someone to talk to and seven years have we shared a laugh and told you all of my secrets.

Together, we went everywhere. You understood me perfectly; I would just look at you and you understood the way I felt. I didn't need to say anything, you would make me laugh even in the darkest of times. You stood up for me, when people saw my insecurites and made fun of me. You encouraged me to always have a good reason to smile.

I trusted you, Monroe. I trusted you with my life.

Whenever anyone would say anything, I always found you by my side fighting the battles that were too hard for me to fight. You were the best friend anyone could ever ask for.

My mum loved you as her own; she saw in you all the things she wished she saw in me. Confidence, happiness, radiance. Your sillyness and exageration to things always brought a smile to both our faces. Faithfulness was something we valued in you, you were welcomed into our house - not as a friend but as family.

The doors were always open for you; and boy did you know that. I never complained about it, I actually liked seeing your face and your charismatic aura in the house around me. It brightened me up.

The things you would convince me to, always angered me because I could never say no to you.

Whenever you felt down, you always knew who to turn to and whenever I felt down I knew you would always be there to pick me back up.

I've cried myself to sleep knowing that a person whom I considered a sister could turn against me. The nostalgia haunts me at night, because I always knew that no matter what life throws at me I would always have you.

Life seemed easier having you by my side.

Your passion for things always struck me as strange, but strange merely because I never understood it. I never felt passionate about things like you did. And maybe if I did I would perhaps have avoided being stuck in this situation.

Your passion drove you to push me into a relationship that you fantasised about being in. Niall became to you this figment that came into your life and obscured reality around you. I would have loved it to be you, truly. I would have loved to see you happy and have your dreams come true. But sometimes life doesn't grant us with those wishes, and so they rest in our thoughts and in our dreams and only appear whenever we give them the power of our imagination.

I do thank you, however, for making me agree to go into that life. Experience what it is to have a date with a popstar. Zayn was amazing, is amazing. But reality caught up with me and reminded me that, that isn't my life.

Despite that realisation, whilst I was with him I learnt a lot about myself. I began to see what you and my parents saw inside me. I saw the light, and I let it shine through. I felt confident, happy and radiant at last. Zayn helped me to feel all those things, and I thank him for that because it has made me a much stronger person.

I saw people around me change when they knew I was with him. They started giving me attention; something I always found uncomfortable. Some wanted to be my friends, others turned against me.

Cher proved to be one of them. She would look at me differently, whisper things, talk about me, even come to my house and threaten me. But even though she was a close friend of mine once, I knew I was able to deal with the change more easily because I had you.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that my own best friend, the person I grew up with, would take a knife and stab me in the back.

Not even Cher stood that low.

You stood up for me, Monroe. You stood up for me when Cher insulted me. You stood up for me when people began making me uncomfortable. You made me feel strong.

I have tried to think about what could have made you do the things you did, and I can't come up with anything. I don't understand why you did it.

But I won't cry myself to sleep, like a sucker. Because if I do, I'll die.

I'm just heartbroken and disappointed. The person I trusted the most has turned against me and I do not know why. All these thoughts and all this going on in my life, is eating me up inside. I'm going mad, Monroe. I don't know what to do.

I had to laugh for a moment when I wrote that; because despite everything I was still confiding in her. I wanted to scrunch the paper up and I wanted to throw everything that was on the table. I wanted to brake things, I wanted to scream and shout.

I remember thinking about death for just a millisecond. How peaceful it would be to have nothing to worry about. To have the darkness surround me and engulf me, and to feel free. For that moment, I wanted to feel completely free.

No matter how many times I wiped my tears away, they still kept falling down. And this time I let them, as I decided on finishing the letter.

I don't know if you think me a bad person, or if you thought I was leaving you behind or that I would change and forget who my friends and family are, I don't know what you thought. But I like to think that if you were the best friend I believed you to be, you would know that I was nothing of those things. I would never be or do any of those things, because I am not that type of person.

And no matter how many things people do to me. And no matter how many sticks and stones get thrown at me, I will never have enough rage to hate you. I could never hate you, because for what it was and for what it lasted you were the greatest person I ever met.

Thank you for the memories and thank you for these tears and thank you for teaching me that I should never trust anyone.

I pray your life is sweet though, Monroe.

But Damn you.

The person that admired you,

Dion.

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Ok, there's the first letter! I hope you guys like it, trust me the reason as to why Monroe did the thing she did, will be revealed soon! Don't lose hope guys!xo