In Love With My Mobster Best Friend (mxmxm)

NINETEEN: SPACE

Media: Stitches – Shawn Mendes

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Coe's POV

For days after I foolishly declared to Jared that I was done with my feelings for him and I will make sure that I do not ever talk about it ever again, I kept my distance as promised.

I spent most of my time in my room, reading or sleeping. I seemed to do a lot of sleeping lately. If I was not in my room. I was in the living room, watching something uninteresting on the television. On rare occasions, Jared would take me along with him to his office, presumably to make sure that I won't go stir crazy from being cooped up at home by myself. But we never shared a proper conversation between us since then. I don't know if I am happy about that.

When I was not alone, I made sure to talk to Heath more often, or the other guys from the gang, not Jared. I tried my best to keep myself busy with thoughts and conversations with others. I went out of my way to make sure that I kept myself out of Jared's way, including simply crossing his line of vision.

I could say that Jared was probably doing the same.

I tried my best not to be hurt by our distance, but truth to be told, I still find myself crying when I'm alone, most days.

Heath would frequently have a look on his face that I learnt meant he wanted to talk to me about something. He would looked uncomfortable to be around me, and I would ask him about it, and no matter how he resisted my questioning, he would eventually admit that he was concerned for me, as I was looking more and more worn out by the day, and he knows how much I am struggling with my feelings for Jared.

I would then reassure him that I was fine.

It was lies of course. All lies.

Lately I seem to be really good at lying.

That, and I was getting good at avoiding Jared altogether.

I woke up earlier, as usual. I made breakfast, had breakfast, and went back to bed before Jared could make it out of his room. I suspect he delayed coming out of his room to avoid meeting me too. I'm not complaining much. I don't know how to talk to him after what happened.

I slept earlier too, making sure to be out of the living room and in my room before Jared and Heath would walk through the doors. I was thankful that Heath kept me relatively well informed about their schedule every day. I made sure that my contact with Jared was minimal each day. So minimal that I don't think we saw each other at all, really.

It wasn't that hard to avoid him actually. It just hurt a lot when I had to do it.

My heat would squeeze painfully, and sometimes I found it hard to breathe. Especially when I know that he was close by, or looking at me.

I would catch Jared's gaze on me occasionally, and I would look away. It was hard to pretend that I was over it, that I was over him. It was hard to hold his gaze without succumbing to my tears, because as much as I keep reminding myself of what Jared had done to me, a surge of affection still rises from within me if I even glanced at him. And I'm sure he knew that. How could he not? He was my best friend. I was a terrible actor. I guess that's why he hasn't tried to make conversation with me so far.

Now every time I catch him looking at me, I made a mental note to improve on my acting skills.

I sighed.

Was this going to be how we're like for the rest of our lives? What is keeping me here then? How do I live this meaningless life with a man who wouldn't love me back? What's keeping me here? What's keeping me from stepping out into a whole new world, to experience new things, new people, maybe meet someone who would love me back half as much as I loved Jared.