In Love With My Mobster Best Friend (mxmxm)

TWENTY-FIVE: TRY

Media: Shape Of You – Ed Sheeran

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Coe's POV

"Do you know anyone who is or might be gay?" I asked, out of the blue as I stared at the television, watching the news about the upcoming gay parade. I wondered what it was like to be among people who actually didn't find my an abomination. Like-minded people. Would I find my future amongst those people? Will I be accepted? Will I find someone that would love me? Will I even ever have the chance to?

Heath looked up from his tablet with a frown, "What? Sure..." He had an unsure look to him when he answered me.

"Could you introduce me someone?" I tilted my head to face him. If I can't be out there with the parade, if I can't make friends on my own, then perhaps Heath could introduce some people to me. People he thought were decent. I trust Heath, I'm sure he would find someone who is not completely trash. I shivered. Dating seems so daunting now that I am seriously considering it.

Heath's frown grew deeper and he set his tablet down on his lap, "You want to date someone to forget your feelings for boss?" There was a disapproving tone to this voice and I frowned.

I pointed a finger at him, "Correction. I want to fuck someone to forget my feelings for him."

If that was even possible. At this point, I'd try anything to get Jared out of my mind. Anything. I think it's about time I resorted to actual actions to get him out. God, I sound like I needed an exorcism, not a one night stand or a boyfriend.

He shook his head disapprovingly, "I don't think that's going to help."

"I think it will." I huffed like a child, folding my arms around the pillow on my lap.

What else would he recommended then? I don't have any friends. I don't get to meet new friends. I'm currently unemployed and looking for a job so I don't even have colleagues at this point. I don't know anyone else apart from Jared, Heath and some other people in their business.

If I can't meet someone new, if I can't just take a chance and find some distraction, I'll always be thinking of Jared. Or did they both think I can miraculously stop feeling what I felt for Jared like a freaking switch? I'm saying now, these people don't understand what it's like to be in love with someone for nine freaking years. They don't understand what I feel for Jared. They don't. They don't and it frustrates me that they think that it's easy to move on when it's not.

Jared was my whole world. And now I'm trying to live in a whole new world without him. That's not easy. I can't, I haven't imagined life without Jared before. I'm trying to now, but I don't have the guts. That's my problem.

Heath leaned his head on his hand as his elbow rested on the backrest of the sofa, "Trust me, you just need time. Fucking around is just going to give you diseases." He looked at me like a parent would a child, and I glowered at him. I am not a child. I am a grown up. I am only five years younger than Heath was. I know how to be safe even though I've never had sex before. Condoms, tests, things like that. Keeping to one lover. I know how to be safe. I am not an ignorant child.

"I won't fuck around. I just want one good fuck. Just to know how it feels like, that's all." I breathed out forcefully.

"How it feels like...?" Heath had an unsure look on his face, before his eyes grew wide, "Coe."

I threw my hands up in the air, "Yes. How it feels like. It'll take my mind off of fantasizing about my stupid, controlling, overbearing best friend." I mentally punched Jared across the face. More than once.