In Love With My Mobster Best Friend (mxmxm)

THIRTY-SIX: DISCLOSE

Media: Just A Kiss – Lady Antebellum

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Coe's POV

It's like I've been thrown into an alternate universe. An alternate universe that I could only dream of before this. 

Heath wanted me. Jared wanted me. They both wanted me. At the same time. 

I was wanted. I was loved. I was cherished. I was the one thing that seemed the most treasured to the man that I had loved for nine years with no returns to my feelings. I was the one thing that seemed the most adored to the man that I had found was possibly the man of my dreams. 

I've lost count of the number of times I have jerked awake in the middle of the night, heart racing, body sweating, trying to figure out if every single day and moment I've shared with them both, were just a fiction of my imagination. 

Every time I did, I would only get gently coaxed back to sleep by the two men that has surfaced every insecurity that I had about myself. Like I didn't deserve to be loved, not like this. 

It was like being happy, having everything that I wanted, was making me doubt myself even more. 

If it were only a dream, if I were in some sort of long term coma now, I don't think I want to wake from it. 

I am good where I am now. It's almost as though I was living my perfect fantasy. 

Everyday I follow them both to work. I shadowed Heath as he shadowed Jared. We spent all our time together. 

Jared seemed to have stopped bringing women home. With all the time that we are spending together, I don't think he even has the time to spend with any one else apart from Heath and I. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just observing, and commenting. 

But that also means that he seeks me out instead. We've been living in Heath's apartment for the past couple of weeks. Jared hasn't pressured me to go back to his apartment, and Jared hasn't spent a night at his own apartment, apart from going back to wash up and change for the day. 

I've yet to hear about the arrangement or understanding that they have both come to, but if I knew anything from all the years that I've spent with Jared, it was better not to ask. I don't know how to feel about this. I don't know what our relationship means to him, but I don't want to wreck it all by talking about it. God knows how badly I fucked things up the last time I decided to clarify my feelings.

I was afraid to ask anyway. 

I was scared that if I tried to define the relationship, if I tried to ask for clarification, everything will just crumble before my eyes, and I will be reduced to the same mess that I was before all these amazing things happened between the three of us.

It felt as though we were balancing on a very thin thread. Just a small disturbance and we will be ripped apart, into shreds. I don't want that. 

There have been some nights that Jared would do nothing to me, except to watch Heath and I be intimate. That freaked me out the first time he demanded for us to put on a show, but I've learnt quite quickly that it was futile to fight against Jared's wishes. I mean, it's been nine years, coming close to ten. I should be learning, right? 

Jared has also now become very openly affectionate towards me. I'm not complaining. But I see the looks people give him. I feel bad that they might think of him as less of a man than he really as.

In the sort of business that they were in, I wasn't sure it was a good idea for them to keep this up. I mean, they were supposed to be the man of all men, right? Heath and Jared, I mean. They were supposed to embody a sense of strength, confidence and masculinity. I'm not sure parading themselves with me in public would build that image of them up, or just tarnish their reputation.