Dear Josh..
The pain in my heart continues to grow. Every hour, every minute, every second brings a new kind of hurt with a million thoughts of you. Today was surely one of the worst. But I'll say that everyday, everyday that is spent without you.
Sam came round today. His eyes were drained of their usual sparkle and he didn't even say hi or smile. He just dragged himself upstairs and sat on the foot of our bed. Our bed Josh. Notice how I still use that? It's because it is our bed and always will be because we spent so much time together there.
Silently, me and Sam sat together for a while neither of us saying a word. I guess the only reason I let him in was because he was so close to you. So close but now so far away. Why did you have to go to work that one time Josh! Why?!
That is what seems to appear most in my nightmares. You. You going into work. You going into work for a mysterious unknown reason which no-one could probably explain besides the people with you. The images weave in and out of my nightmares. Some nights it will just be a flash of an image of you but others my mind runs wild considering all of the pleasent and un-pleasent, simple and confusing or in the worst cases the scary and monsterous.
"What's it like loosing the one," Sam started before trying to contain his tears, "the one that you love most in the world?" he finished. Tears rolled down his pink, flushed cheeks and dripped onto his clasped hands.
This was a tough question. My mind rushed back to the moment I fell in love with you. When we met on the first day of filming for The Hunger Games. Our chemistry was instant but I was so busy that we just kept it as a friendship. Soon I started dating Nicholas but I felt that things were wrong with us. He was never interested in me but just about being with me. You were at my side through this terrible break up. You were at my side through everything. Everything and anything. But not this time. Not this time.
I just sobbed. I tried to form words but nothing came out. I just cried. Carefully Sam wrapped his arm around me and held me tight. Just like you did Josh. You would hold me tight even when I cried over the most rediculous things. Now I couldn't controll it. I screamed and stamped and shook around for a while before I came to a holt and shrunk down to a ball in a corner.
I don't know what to think right now. I don't know what to feel right now. I don't know what to do right now. I just want to be with you right now.
I miss you too much Josh.
Love Jen
