Dear Josh..
Today has been the worst and most awful day. Of the week. Of the year. Of my life.
I was in my now usual corner with Sam leaning on my shoulder, us both staring out into the distance. There was a knock at the door. Not the door bell, a knock. This knock was so fimiliar it worried me a little but I couldn't figure out who's or why I remembered it. It sent shivers down my spine and butterflys danced in my stomach. What was this? Why did I regonize this so well yet I didn't know why?
I pulled myself off the floor and went downstairs. I opened the door slowly and there stood with a huge bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates stood Nicholas Hoult.
Him of all people at this time. Why him Josh? I can't even look at him without memories flooding back. Some good like when me and you first got together after my terrible break up. Some bad like the time he was just using me to get big. That's why we broke up. You were the one who realised it aswell Josh. You.
After he had stood there for a while just looking me up and down he said somethig that he will never be able to take back Josh. Never. Not in this lifetime.
"So now Josh has died how about me and you? He isn't here to protect you anymore, you're all mine."
This made me feel physically sick. Like I wanted to through up all over his flowers and chocolate and just cry. But I didn't. I didn't and I just glared at him for a while. How could he say something so, so, urgh! I can't even comprehend this situation at the moment.
This is when I need you here Josh. To get him away. To talk for me. To defend me. To protect me. He has so much controll over me in a situation like this. I need you Josh! When I snapped back to reality he was just staring at me. Looking me up and down like a dog who wants his bone. Well I'm not his. I'm yours Josh.
Then I pannicked. He was leaning in to kiss me. I moved back slightly hoping he would get the message but he didn't accept that. Instead he pulled your hoodie by the strings into him which gave me no option but to push him away physically with my hands. This is what I do when you had your stinky morning breath and your would lean in to kiss me Josh. I used to make you brush your teeth before our lips even met. I loved that about you. You would never take anything I said seriously.
Nicholas wasn't amused by my pushing away though. Not like you would be. I turned to walk away but he grasped the hood, almost strangling me, and turned me round.
I couldn't seem to form my words and so my lips just moved but nothing came out. I just stood there helpless. I tried shouting for Sam but my voice was horse and he clearly wouldn't hear me.
What should I have done Josh? Should I have fought back? Should I have surrendered and just kissed him? No. I will not kiss another person. I want your lips touching mine to remain there forever, thats what it feels like anyway.
I had zoned out when I was brought swiftley back to reality. I was completley numb for a second before the stinging and pain began in my cheek. Nicholas had slapped me. Full around the face. The only sound that came out was a pathetic whimper.
After a minute of lying on the floor I began to feel faint. The walls span and everything that Nicholas said was just a sound that I couldn't make sense of. That's when I blacked out.
Where are you Josh? Did you watch me get beaten by Nicholas? We're you watching my un-concious body? Were you with me Josh?
Love Jen
