If you've ever wanted to fall away

#5 in tagged.

This chapter is about #5 in my tagged chapter. I felt as though I had to explain this one because if I don't Im going to cry.

For quite a while I have been seriously depressed. Never mind the times I dislocated my knees and was on crutches, cursing under my breath and wishing I didn't have to go through it, this is worse. Because last year I had my first proper boyfriend. And it ended as soon as it started because the relationship went way too fast and neither of us could cope, so he broke it off, making me feel like shit and suicidal. This was in the summer holidays so I had homework to worry about and a cruise to look forward to. That cruise was hell. It made me feel more suicidal than ever and I don't ever want to experience that again. My "dad" ( stepdad bc my real dad was a dick so I disowned him) was constantly being a cunt and making "jokes" about my love life for example and I quote " hahaha your love life is over haha". This caused me to cry infront of him and him to get angry. He sees me cry, he gets temperamental and bossy, telling me to shut the fuck up before he makes me shut up and this makes me cry harder. I had to deal with him since I was four. He never physically abused me but it was all verbal instead.
Anyway, back to the subject. After the hell ride I went back to stamp and met "captain gray" meaning he always wore a gray tracksuit. I liked him but he was a dick too. Then I actually get asked out by one of my primary school friends and I have to reject him knowing how hard it is to go through that. I found out that the boy that I liked before Christmas had a girlfriend ( still does plus he's a dick too ) so then I just thought fuck it. No-one cares about me in that way and probably never will. Then in February I meet someone who disproved that theory, for a week. He said he had a crush on me and liked me in that way but had to take a break (still going) because he couldn't handle his emotions (hormones) well and would constantly have to (.............) to relieve stress. But for the longest amount of time there has been one boy that has stood out from the crowd and made me think twice about everything. He helped me through a lot and would pester me with the same question until I answered it. He doesn't know it's him and I never had had the courage to ask him. I've known him for ages, rarely seen him, yet he is my best friend and I feel better talking to him than anyone else. After writing this I feel better, even though I still feel like Im on suicide watch. I just dont know if he even likes me in that way and I know this chapter is tedious and pointless but I can't tell him and it hurts.