Until you are mine

2. It's never meant to happen

Lalo lang siyang lumayo.

It was kinda sad because after that wonderful day I spent with Kuya Yllak in the rooftop pakiramdam ko lalo lang siyang lumayo sa akin. Hindi na niya ako pinapansin – kahit sa bahay hindi na rin niya ako masyadong kinakausap. Kinakausap at nilalapitan na lang niya ako kung may itatanong siya o kung may kailangan siya. Sa loob ng mahabang panahon, ganoon na lang kami. Para akong stranger sa kanya – it's as if I never exist.

That moment I realized that maybe he doesn't really like me. May mga kapatid yata talagang ganoon – na imbes na mapalapit lalong napapalayo. An example of that is Kuya Yllak.

I sighed as I looked at him. It's been years since that rooftop moment. I've missed him – two years na niya akong hindi pinapansin and I really want to go back to that time when he does nothing but tease me. Mas Masaya pala na inaasar niya ako kaysa binabalewala niya ako ng ganito.

"Yna..." I smiled when Ate Yza called me. She was in the garden with Kuya Yllak, nag-uusap sila habang ako naman ay nakatayo sa may gazebo at naguusap. I envy ate Yza because Kuya Yllak is very close with her. They have a special bond habang ako, wala akong kahit na anong bond kay Kuya Yllak. Ang layo-layo na niya sa akin at pakiramdam ko hindi na maibabalik ang dati.

"Yna, come here." She called me again. Napilitan akong bumaba ng gazebo at lumapit sa kanila. Kuya Yllak was wearing a v-neck shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. He looked so fresh and cute. I really wanna be close with him again pero may barrier na sa pagitan namin.

The last conversation – matinong conversation naming dalawa ay halos isang taon na ang nakalipas. Iyon iyong nagkasakit si Nanay tapos naospital. Iyak ako nang iyak and no one seems to notice how sad I am that moment, si Kuya Yllak lang yata ang nakapansin – the others – Tatay, Ate and Kuya Yvo were busy taking care of Nanay. Hinayaan ko lang naman, kaya lang ang lungkot ko.

Nilapitan niya ako, hinaplos sa pisngi at saka niyakap. Walang salita, walang kahit na ano, but he hugged me oh – so tight that I couldn't even breathe. He kept on comforting me. I cried so hard that afternoon. Mugtong-mugto na ang mga mata ko. Hiinayaan niya lang akong umiyak. Wala siyang sinabi.

Nang kalmado na ako ay saka siya tumayo at muling lumayo sa akin – mula noong wala na naman kaming salitaan. Dumaan ang araw, nanay got better, dumating ang pasko, bagong taon, valentine's day, birthday ko, birthday niya, graduation niya ng high school, pero wala pa rin siyang sinasabi.

And it's just so sad.

"Anong ginagawa mo doon, Yna?" Tanong ni Ate sa akin. Ngumiti lang ako at saka naupo sa tabi niya. I looked at Kuya Yllak. He seemed to have his own world now. He's eighteen and he's on college. Sa lahat ng kuya ko, si Kuya Yllak talaga ang pinakamahirap intindihin.

"Yllak was just telling me about his scholarship in Malaysia." Masayang sabi ni Ate. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Kuya Yllak was looking at the Bermuda grass. Ayaw niya talaga akong tingnan.

"Aalis ka?" Tanong ko.

"Yes, baby." Ate said. "Tatay is very proud of him. He's the only Filipino student who got in. Aalis na siya bukas." Sabi pa ni Ate. Lalo akong nakadama ng lungkot. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita. I sighed.

"Sa room lang ako, Ate." Tumayo ako at saka pumasok sa loob ng bahay. I got to my room and sat in the middle of my bed. I found myself crying. I wanted to ask him kung bakit siya biglang aalis. Kung kaya niya ba talagang umalis nang hindi kami maayos. At kung bakit pilit niyang inilalayo sa akin ang sarili niya.

I found myself crying again. I have cried over and over because of that fact alone and now, aalis siya nang wala kaming closure. I laid on my bed, letting the tears fall. I was wondering if Kuya Yllak knows how sad I am because he's treating me that way. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit masakit.