Life Under the Hijab | ✔

{9} Forgive Me

Zaynub Khalid

I was currently in Spanish class. We were getting our final grades today. I need to have a passing grade in this class. Please let me have a good grade, Allah. I need it to go to medical school. My professor gave me my grade. I was shocked. I failed.

I had gotten a sixty-nine percent in total. I was so close. Tears started brimming my eyes. I had always wanted to be a doctor. It had been my dream since I was three. Now it looks like I failed that dream. I thought dreams actually came true. It looks like they don't.

I couldn't stop thinking about my grade.

"Why did you do this, Allah? Did you not want me to be a doctor? What did I do wrong?" I thought as I walked to my car.

What happened? Why am I so stupid? Why couldn't I do this? What's wrong with me? Everything was going so fine in my life and then all this bad stuff came crashing down. Was Allah testing me? Did He want to test my patience? I groaned. Life could be so confusing sometimes. That was when a thought came to me.

Was I slowly losing my faith? Had I been turning to Allah in my prayers? I suddenly felt scared. What if all this was happening because I was losing my faith? All these questions started running through my head.

* * * *

As soon as I got home I locked myself in my room. I started crying. I was scared and feeling lonely. Right now everyone was going through their own problems. Usually Amu or Baba would comfort me. Now they weren't here.

Amu was dealing with her own grief and sadness. I wished Baba never left us. I wished he were still here. I just sat there in tears, thinking over and over again what happened. I was scared about losing my faith and I was worried about my future. I kept thinking if I disobeyed or forgot Allah in any way.

Knock Knock.

I got up and put my hijab on. I looked in the mirror and saw that I had puffy eyes and a pink nose. I was sniffling. My face was stained in tears. My cheeks were flushed. Forget my grade, I care more about my religion.

I opened the door and saw Zakir. His jaw dropped when he saw me.

"Zaynub-" he started.

I held a hand up to stop him.

"Please don't. I am not in the mood today to deal with more drama," I said in a monotone.

"What happened?" he continued.

My lips trembled. I went to sit down on my bed. With my head down, once again waterfalls freely fell down my face.

"Oh my God," he whispered.

"I'm s-scared," I cried.

"Why?" he asked.

"I-I think I am l-losing my f-faith," I sobbed.

"What? Why would you think that?" he asked as he stepped closer to me.

"All this bad stuff is happening and I think I forgot my faith at times. What if I forgot Allah completely?" I whispered.

"Zaynub," he sighed and knelt in front of me.

I stared up at him.

"You did not lose your faith. Look at the position you are in right now. Your worried about your faith. You have taqwa (fear of Allah). All this bad stuff that is happening to you just means that you are being tested. These are all trials in life. You must be patient about it and turn to Allah during your time of needs. You are not losing your faith," he said softly.