the journal - h.s.

62

[harry’s pov]

But where would I go? I could probably borrow some money from Aria, though I absolutely hated the thought. I would pay her back - for everything. When my father would finally let me have the money after my mother, which I was the rightful owner to. I would pay Aria back - and Jenny too for letting me stay here basically on her account. And Louis for the guitar even though it was a used one. Where would I go? Just away from here. There was no room for me here in the states anymore, it felt suffocating and I started to wonder how I had even been able to handle it before Amber came into my life?

Maybe I could try to make contact with my mother’s part of the family in England?

My father had always made sure I’d get as little as possible to know about them - I wasn’t even sure my grandparents knew their daughter had gotten a son. My father had made my mum cut the connection, convinced her it was for the better. And yeah maybe she had come here to America in a desperate try to start a new life on her own, but I had never really fully understood what could make her do that? How she could just take off from her family like that? What had happened to her?

Some part of me had always believed it had just been because of a mistunderstanding. I couldn't stop imagining her part of the family as the good part. As the warm and welcoming part. So what had made her run?

And then of course she had met my father - who was charming, silver-tongued, and with his bone structure and the messy brown hair, which was clear sign that I was his son - she had fallen for him. She had been heartbroken, young, British and beautiful. And he had probably seemed so fucking confident and intriguing, with his fancy new Harvard degree in law, the gentleman manners, and his wealthy family background.

I didn’t blame her for falling for him, I could only imagine that he must have been different at some point. Have been a different person with other goals. Maybe even goals of love and to get a happy family? Or maybe he had just thought that was what one was supposed to aim after in life? And he had realized it wasn’t anything special to have a son, and a loving wife? That he always had wanted something more, craved for the power? Maybe that was why they had gotten me in the first place? Because my mum had been feeling how he had been slipping away from her? They hadn’t even been married for two thirds of a year before she got me, before the disaster being my presence occured.

I was lost in the darkness of my thoughts, and still my non-existing heart managed to hurt like hell, as I stared at the computer screen in front of me. Not seeing the actual view of it - as memory after memory flashed before my eyes. Trying to find the mistakes. Mistakes I had made with Amber, with my father, with my life. Where had I done wrong?

I knew one of them - it had happened on February the 1st 1994. Though there obviously wasn’t anything I could have done about it. I just knew that was one of the reasons he despised me like that. All of this time. If I hadn’t been born she would have lived. It was logic.

To know even one life

has breathed easier

because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

It had been a comforting thought I had made up and written down in the journal Amber now had - that maybe my mum had been glad it had all ended. Maybe she had been glad to get away from him, maybe I had been able to help her in that way?

My thoughts were strangling me. Suffocating me. Making my eyes burn and my head hurt. That empty place in my heart which now was one big black hole just grew larger for each thought.

Had I killed her? Had that been my mistake? Or had I helped her breathe easier - helped her get out off his cage? Was it the same with Amber? Had my mistake in someway been good - as it had freed her from me? And what about Jenny? Aria? Daisy? I had to get away from them, in that way I couldn’t hurt more people right? Like I had hurt my father with killing her.