the journal - h.s.

101

(harry’s pov)

Don’t forget the suit tonight, Styles xx Cat

I smiled softly over her text to me before throwing the phone on the messy bed and walking back and forth in the hotel room. It had only been a few minutes since we had said our goodbyes after the brunch and she had probably barely even made it to the reception before sending me that text. I sighed heavily over the situation, as I poured myself a glass of Champagne since that was the only thing in the room that apparently had already been paid and wouldn’t be an additional cost.

The sweet taste hung at my dry lips after having finished the first glass in one drag, I let a hand through my wild hair and tried imagining her being here with me; with her chestnut colored hair that always hung into her eyes in a perfectly messy state. Remembered her scent of lavender. My eyes were closed. I could almost feel her fair soft skin under my fingertips as I would carefully pull down the strap of her black simple tank top, let my hand explore her thigh till they reached the edge of her pajamas shorts. Her eyes would find mine, flickering to my lips still with the gaze of irrational shyness mixed with excitement that her blushed cheeks revealed. As my heart grew and started beating faster for her memory, I could almost feel her warmth and -

My phone started ringing bringing me out of daydreaming making my eyes open widely as the green sought the room. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach as the view of the hotel room - empty hotel room - met me and she was forced to stay as a far away day dream.

”It’s Harry,” my voice was soulless and dead. Cold.

”I expect Ms. Rosenkrantz explained you the plan for tonight that you - naturally - have agreed to.”

I tightened my fist and jaw as his voice reached me, ”yes. Caitlyn did explain everything. Though I can’t see how there’s anything to agree with, I don’t have much of a choice now do I?”

My sarcasm would merely be seen as childish by him, but I couldn’t help it.

”It is only those you have earned themselves the right to make a choice who can afford such luxury, Harry. I don’t see how your foolish guitar play nor average skills within the field of mixing cocktails ever earned you such right,” his loathing was clear as the crystal of the empty champagne glass, that I considered smashing. There was silence for a while as he made sure I understood I was nothing. Absolutely nothing. No matter how many crystal glasses I smashed I would never be heard.

”Yes sir,” I answered - my voice belonging to what he made me out to be; nothing. Dead, cold, no one. It would be over after tonight; I could handle one night. I could stick through his plan to make sure Amber was safe and would be left out of this; make sure he wouldn’t ruin her future. Cat would be by my side the entire time. I would play along tonight and find my way out of this afterwards.

”Harry - son -,” something changed in his voice. I hadn’t heard him using such tone of voice in the longest time, if ever. It reminded me of something though, a faint memory. Of that time I could barely remember when an elderly man had been standing in the hallway back home, he had been holding his hat firmly in his hand as he had spoken softly and controlled to my father. Almost whispering. I couldn’t recall his words nor his exact look; his hair was turning grey and he had a mustache that had reminded me of a lion I remembered. He had seen me standing in the hallway all of a sudden; hiding behind one of the doors and listening along. Standing in my pajamas and the curly hair in the state of a messy halo. The stranger had a funny accent.

”Is that.. is that him, Richard? Harry? Is that her - ” The old man who reminded me of a friendly lion had asked my father with surprise and almost choked on his words; his eyes hadn’t left me as they had filled with something glistening. I had been 4 years old maybe. I had looked up at my father who had turned to me and fire had been visible in his green eyes; he didn’t even have to say anything before I knew I wasn't allowed there. That I shouldn’t have seen this. Been there. I had stumbled back and ran all the way back to my room hiding under the duvet for the longest time just hearing the sound of my own breathing. I would imagine there was a snowstorm outside the duvet, and that I could only survive if I made sure not a single toe was uncovered.