Insight

Eyes of the Past

He's just a boy, and yet here he is in such a big world. He and his two other friends who don't expose themselves to anyone but him, or else they'll take the boy away. He wanders in a small portion of this big world, alone, helpless, afraid. He puts on a brave face. It works until there's too much to handle, then he breaks.

He shuts himself down and out from everyone and everything around him. He used to always be like this around his family, silent, alone, scared. He finally gotten used to being himself but, this new exposure, a location change. It broke him. He's no longer the same, he's turning again. Back into himself. Who he was when he was younger, the quiet one. The one who wasn't a burden and didn't get in people's way. That's who he's becoming again.

It's good though, is it not? No, it's not good. He's reverting. Going back in time, when he should be progressing, when he should be being free. He's a teenager, yet he doesn't feel like it. He's changed, he's as weak as paper, and cold as ice.

It feels like I've got nothing. This...feeling, it's something I can't escape no matter how hard I try. They try to help me though, they're my friends. They've been here when no one else was. They take care of this sensitive boy like it's nothing, but why I wonder. Why do they do this? I'm such a hassle.

I carry a little person now, a small child. He looks identical to me but he's just, younger. He's me, he's who I used to be. He wants to be free. He's pure, I have to protect him from this harsh world. This little boy is me, we're completely different but totally the same.

I can't help the way that I feel, I've fought my battle with depression. I thought I had won but no, I hadn't won a damn thing. Depression; once you get a taste of it, it has you in its grasp forever, you can't escape. It's a parasite, it latches onto a host and doesn't let go.
But what do I know about this stuff, right? "I'm only a teenager". I don't feel like one considering all sorts of standards have been raised in this twisted society we live in. I don't feel like a teenager, I feel left out, I feel like an outcast. My peers are out having fun with their lives and doing what makes them happy and here I am, just wasting away. Alone, being consumed by loneliness.

I hate hearing about other people's experiences, it makes me feel like nothing and whenever I do get to have the same experience, I'm late. I hate it I hate it all. It adds onto the eternal pool of thoughts swarming my mind, Like I'm walking through a forest at night time. It's dark and I can barely see. There's so much around me and it distracts me from the bigger task at hand. I can see again. I can see through the little one's eyes. Everything looks so much different, everything is frightening. Everything scares me. Is this what it's like to be the child I once was?

I want this to be over, I just want to feel like I'm something again. Like I'm a person again, not having to be looked down on by everyone else. That's all that happens to me now, people look down on me as if they're better than me. But that's the case after all. Everyone's better than me, that's what I've learned the past fifteen and a half years.