Insight

Story of Naga (Abandoned)

My name is Agemo Naga. I've lived a slightly below average life for these past 17 years. But along the way there's been so much pain and sadness that has filled and clouded my heart. Through it all no matter the circumstances I've tried to keep it pure, myself pure. My kindness, whatever was left of my morality, I tried to keep it. I thought I'd be fine but I wasn't, and there was nothing I could do. The smallest things broke me and the even bigger things shattered me completely. I was a pain as well as in it. I was a problem child. I'd always stare at the keys of a piano and the notes I'd play were the sounds of tragedy. The sounds of peaceful sadness. So was my life. I always stayed to myself, I never did try to get in the way, but sometimes I would and it would kill me to do that. Knowing that I was and forever always would be nothing but a burden to others. I just wanted to be of use, helping out wherever I could. I was a weak and pathetic person. People bashed on me so much that eventually I started doing their job for them. My self respect, confidence, self esteem. It was all gone, never to be seen again.

Heh, funny isn't it? The way life works. It's a shame what it does to good people. Drags them through the dirt and soils them when all they want is to be happy. For a short time I did however find happiness, it's a pity it was short lived though. There was a girl. She made me happy beyond belief. I thought for awhile I'd actually found my soulmate, the one I needed to be with the rest of my life. Too bad I was wrong. Time went on, she slowly lost interest, disappeared and fled to someone else. She said she'd never hurt me and then she did this. Cheated. It tore me apart at the seams. My life was now officially over, I had no will, no motivation to do anything. I shut down entirely. I was just a walking shell at this point. I wasn't as vibrant as usual, but that didn't go unnoticed. I was broken, shattered and the pieces disintegrated. There was nothing left. This was who I was now.

I never really did have a close relationship with my family. Just a couple of my cousins who were my age but that was it. My parents were split but I stayed with my mother. Birth giver. My father, I went over occasionally. He used to pick me up everyday from school but ever since middle school I went over less often. He would beat me for getting in trouble at school and that's what drove me away. But most of the main adults in my family would do that so I wasn't safe. I didn't mean to get into trouble, I didn't want to. I stayed a summer with him and that was the worst summer of my life. Ever since I left I hadn't been back. I hadn't talked to him since either. I had a sister there. Her birthday is today. Funny huh? Some brother I am. I disappeared from her life. My father, he didn't leave me, he didn't walk out of my life at all, I locked him out. I wanted him to be there I really did. But his anger was too much for me. He pissed me off just as much though, only I wasn't allowed to show it because in his eyes I was just a kid. Just some brat who if I would've stepped anymore out of line at the wrong instant, I never would've seen the end of it. I'm a terrible son, and I don't expect forgiveness from him, nor did I ever expect to see him again in my short life.

With all of that surfacing in me, in the well of my mind. I couldn't handle it. My entire world was gone, I was a shame to my family, a terrible son to my father, I was a dead end child. I had lost this fight that I swore to everyone as well as myself I'd win. I hadn't won, I lost badly. I was on top of a building just thinking. A seventeen year old dead end brat who had nothing left. No friends, no comfort, no will to live. I had nightmares about this. About suicide. I promised people and myself I'd never do it, but on that roof top, I felt so heavy. The only way to relieve that weight was to atone. So that's exactly what I did. I texted the girl. I told her:

"I'm sorry..I'm sorry I wasn't good enough.. I'm sorry I wasn't able to

make you happy..I wish things could've been different, I wish you

would've talked to me. If you were going to hurt me anyway you

should've done it the least painful way and left instead of what

you did...but I understand, he's better than me, everyone is, it doesn't

take much..I hope you're happy...but now, it's time for me to go..

goodbye.."

The tears welled up and overflowed my eyes as I dialed up my father and pressed the call button. He didn't answer. I left a voicemail.

"Hi dad..it's me, Agemo..I'm sorry I haven't talked to you or been

over in so long but, it'll sadly have to stay that way. I'm sorry

for being nothing but a burden to you, for being a problem child

in your life that made everything so difficult. Maybe with my

sister you can start over and have the child you've always wanted

The child that'll be better than I ever could've hoped to be.

Tell her I love her, and I'm sorry my absence has to be extended.

I'm really really sorry..but now, it's time for me to go

Goodbye..."

Streams of tears had already stained my cheeks by the time I hung up. I took my phone and went home. I placed it on the bed of my sleeping mother, the voicemail and text were saved there, as well as something to explain my next actions, the way I felt and the reasons I had resorted to it. Because then everything would be easier. I looked at her one last time and then closed her door. I then went to the roof of the four floor apartments we lived in. There was that heavy feeling again, but it wasn't as bad. But the weight still needed to be lifted. I took a deep breath and thought about the past 17 years of my life. I smiled a small smile of peace as I said goodbye towards the sky. Then....

I jumped..