Insight

Confidence

What is confidence? I'm honestly not sure, but I want to know, I want to learn, I want to see and experience. I want to know what it's like to be confident. I'm not exactly someone who's confident myself, if anything most people around me have more confidence in me than I ever would have in myself. It's shameful but it's something I wanna work on. I don't have any good features and thinking about the thought that I'm most likely gonna be alone for the rest of my life actually makes me wanna break into tears because I'm not good enough. I have a crush on this girl, her name is Madison, and I don't have a chance in hell with her. But I wanna get up the confidence to at least take the shot and whatever happens happens. I wanna gain confidence but I don't know how to go about it. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can think of that'd help me. Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.

the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.

a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

Self assurance is something that I lack. I'm always doubting myself and there's just no end to it because I always get proved why and how I'm just not good enough. Things are complicated but I'm going to try to get a handle on the situation.

Toxic Relations

I've had a streak of bad relationships, they're not necessarily bad themselves but they do develop into something bad, sometimes even awful. For example the relationship I just subtly left, We were very close and then just drifted apart because of lack of communication, hint hint, not my fault at all. So I tried all I could and it seemed to be pointless no matter how much I waited but it seemed that my patience ran out, so I just sorta left without saying anything because y'know, kinda difficult to tell someone something when they don't talk to you, and to think that the words "I love you" actually left her mouth to me. Ha, yea right, I'll believe that one when hell freezes over. So now I'm just kind of on my own, less alone than I ever was with her, it's honestly better because now I don't have to worry about anyone else but at the same time it sucks because I'm kind of alone so yea that's never good. This is why I hate relationships. They suck.

Life

I have goals I want to achieve, for example graduating high school on time, it's kind of, no, completely stressful and I hate dealing with it, I hate worrying about it but I have to. I used to love science when I was younger but now it just kind of lost touch with me, I'm trying to get back into it, but my focus and attention span just isn't good enough. This is why I think I have ADHD. I'm going to move back to Springfield when I'm 18, just to make up for the time I lost by being forced to move to Columbus. I wanna move to one of the old houses I used to live in when I was younger. The one on Jefferson when I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, or Cedarview, when I was in 5th and 6th grade. They were both great houses and I miss them, although one's a double and one's an actual house, I'd rather take the actual house, but I'd settle for either. I wonder if I could go to Wittenberg while I'm there. If I go back should I tell anyone and everyone? Guess we'll find out.