Insight

Alone

I never understand. I'm always lost or confused, I'm such a clueless brat. That's all I am is just a brat, a punk, nothing good about me. At least once a day or every other, my eyes well up full of tears, about as full as they can be. But they never fall over. I can't cry no matter how much I want to. I'm so clueless, I never understand. There's nothing to really be done about myself. I feel fine but on the inside I know there's deeper meaning, that there's something eating away. I've known this for so long and for awhile I never knew what it was. But then I found it. I finally figured it out, the missing piece to the puzzle. I have never ending loneliness. I always feel so alone even if I am with people because I'm just there. I never include myself due to social anxiety. I don't want to involve myself with others, and it's getting to the point where I'm like this around my friends too. They've seen me for who I am but yet I feel they don't understand at all. The never ending pain of feeling alone. I always keep to myself even when I'm having problems because I don't want to burden others around me. That's all I am, a burden, a bother. All I'm good at is annoying and bothering people and pissing people off. I don't mean to get in the way I really don't, but it just happens and I can't do anything about it no matter how hard I try. I wanna be of use to people as much as I can but it's too much for me to handle. It's all too much. I push and push but it's just not enough. Nothing I do is ever enough. Why. Why can't I be good enough for once. Why do I have to feel this way when I've done nothing wrong. My only goal in life is to help people in anyway I can and I can't even do that because I can't handle the pressure and responsibility of it all. There's nothing I can do, I'm losing hope for everything, I'm losing the will to do anything. I'm just shell wasting away. I want substance again. I just want to be happy. But all I am is alone, alone with my burdening self. But it's somewhat better this way. At least if I'm alone I can't bother anyone, I can't annoy or piss anyone off. I won't get in the way.