Insight

Resonance

So I've discovered something about myself. There are two of me it seems. I promise I'm entirely mentally sane, and I'm not suicidal. This is just a coping phase. Coping with eternal loneliness. Whenever influenced I change, and well, I'm sure it happens with most people, so I'm not exactly all that special. But seriously this actually gives me something that I thought I had lost for so long. It gives me hope. It shows me that Maybe I'm gonna be okay, that maybe everything will get better eventually. I call him, The Lifted. He's a cool guy, he's so happy and he's the one that truly spreads the positive vibes like I want to, not me. I can't do it like he can, but at the same time I am the one that does it. Weird right? Well to anyone else maybe, but I'm used to this kind of stuff so maybe I'm the only one who gets it. Maybe I'm being to edgy in my writing. Oh well, guess I'll never know.

So, one thing that I've mentioned before is that if anyone sees the stuff that I write will think I'm either crazy or suicidal, and I'm neither. Honestly. I just put my feelings onto this paper and well, let loose. It's how I've learned to be when being faced with not having anyone to talk to about this stuff and honestly I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. The Lifted gave me an idea to bake cookies and then bring them to all of the friends I've made here and well, after how I've been the past week or so, I thought it'd be a great idea. Something nice for them for, tolerating me, I guess. They really don't have to, but they do anyway, and I'm glad they do, but at the same time I'm not. I wanted to know if this was a good temporary coping strategy, I kept wondering to myself, I wasn't sure. "I can't tell you if you're doing the right thing. You have to determine if it's the right thing for you...Try talking to them maybe? When it gets bad it's okay to draw back but make sure you have at least one person to talk to and make sure you're okay." That's what The Twin said. I trust her, so I need to continue taking a silent journey on my own in order to find the right path. I hate this.

So the thing with me and never feeling so distant from my family until after we moved, it feels like there's getting to be more and more truth behind it everytime I'm around them. I've already gone back to being completely silent around them. I've come to a conclusion of why I am the way I am. Well, for the most part anyway. There were factors that I both could and couldn't control. Me being so quiet is one of the ones that I can. I always got in trouble for talking, or told that I was annoying back in grade school. As I grew up I just reverted to being quiet so people wouldn't get mad at me for talking so much. It even got to the point where even I hate the sound of my own voice, I think it's annoying. That's not good. Another thing is something that I got the most shit for when I was a kid: Not smiling that much. This is both a situation I could and couldn't control. I was always in trouble, in turn I was always bored as well. That plus the factor of always being forced to go to church didn't exactly help that situation. They didn't even realise it. Hell, I didn't even realise it until just yesterday. Then there's the one factor that I'm just not sure is within my realm of control or not: I always seem to drive people away, and that's why I'm always so lonely and sad, because everyone eventually leaves. I don't know why, am I that bad? I wish I knew why, but I can't exactly ask the people who did leave WHY they left. They all hate me, and I don't want to talk to them, so there's that. Like I said, a walking bundle of trouble. I'm slowly getting the edge back too, and I'm really not a fan of that. In turn, I'm always angry and most of the time, I don't even know why. I have nothing to be angry about, it just happens. Like yesterday, I just shut down before the day even really started and I've been like this since. I thought that I was just tired but, I guess there seems to be more than that. I don't know.

I always wonder how different my life would be if we never moved away. Would I still be like this? Would I be happier? Would my life actually be better than it is now? I don't know, but one thing for sure is that I just hope I'd be happy again if it were to never have happened. I wonder how I'd turn out. I know for a fact I wouldn't be as lonely and introverted as I am now, that one's definitely for sure. I just don't know man.