Insight

Forbearance

Time has passed, and I still feel the same. I still feel like a small insignificant bother to this world and everyone around me. I've managed to contain myself, to a degree. It's not his......"my" fault that these effects are being put into play in my mind. It's taxing and I want a break. I need a break. Sure on the surface everything is fine, my life hasn't completely gone to shit...yet. But on the inside things are different. Things are way different. I don't know what's going on with me it's such an indescribable feeling and I hate it, I hate it as much as I hate myself and everyone around me. I don't hate the people I'm around, I didn't mean to say that. There's so much wrong but at the same time, nothing. I want to reach out for help but I don't want to get others involved. Not after what happened last time.

Time has passed since that incident and the scars never healed from my wrists. I look at them to get a brief but clear reassurance of the promises that I've broken. How many people I hurt. How much of an insignificant failure I am. I'm terrible, I'm such a bad balance and it pains me. I pain myself but I have to deal with it. I have to deal with myself. This is how I am. This is who I am. This is what life has turned me into. I'm not the same as I was when I was a kid, so happy and free, even if it didn't seem like it. It took awhile to get where I am now, and for awhile I actually thought I could become strong and overcome myself. But alas I failed, like I always do.

I can't remember the last time someone's actually been proud of me, or told me they were. It's been so long ago, if anything I don't even think it's ever happened. Last time someone's actually been happy for me. I don't know. I just feel like everything's falling apart so slowly. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, I'm afraid of what might happen to me. Where they'll send me. I don't want that to happen, I don't want them to take me away.

I've left everyone behind. I've abandoned all of my friends. It hurts, just that thought brings me to tears. The fact that I'm actually planning it out on a bigger scale and might go through with it, that's enough to obliterate me. But you can't break what's already been shattered and never been put back together. I miss them all, I really do. For awhile I actually thought I could be happy here where I am. But I'm still homesick. I want to go back but I can't. Especially if I have to be faced with..."him" again. If there's anything life has taught me, it's that I'm weak, frail, afraid, cold and lonely. I've always been lonely and I'll always be lonely I suppose, I guess that's just how it's meant to be for me right? I'm growing and the more I grow, the colder and more insignificant I become. There's nothing worth value about me, there's a lot of wrong when it comes to me. Plenty that should be fixed, but all of it can't be. I'm just a walking bundle of trouble. I'm a disgrace.

The past is a burden that I want lifted off of my shoulders, whether it's my past or the past of those close to me. I hate the past. I hate it so much. I hate everyone's past, and both of ours as well. I'm destroying myself, on the inside and out. I don't want to give up but at the same time it'd be so easy to. I want to just quit so badly but I have to stay strong, I have to keep fighting, against myself. My greatest enemy. I'm so strong yet so weak, I'm strong against myself but when I'm fighting, I'm weaker that paper. I'm turning cold and once I do, there's no going back. I destroy myself, I abuse myself. Mentally most of all but emotionally as well. I've stopped physical abuse and I hope to never return. I've abandoned all hope, I have no faith in anything anymore. I'm alone and I don't know what to do.

I don't understand other people, which is another one of my problems. I don't understand why people do the things they do and sometimes their actions make me sick. I hate the things that people do, I hate people in general but at the same time I'm restraining that hatred. I hate the way people are, some people more than others...I'm terrible I know, it's how I am, I'm an awful human being. I despise the decisions others make because they make no sense, why can't people just think for once in their miserable lives! Just think about your choices, your actions. The things you do impact everyone else as well. One thing that could make you happy, could kill literally everyone else around you and you wouldn't even know. How selfish of you. Pathetic. Disgusting.

People make me sick, I make myself sick. I'm awful but everyone else is no different. I don't know what's wrong with me and I can't figure out because I don't want others to find out. I don't want to face those consequences.