Insight

What Now?

So, it appears that I'm here again, I'm writing out my thoughts and everything that's plagued my mind from the last writing to this one. All I have to say is life. Life is a very interesting thing especially as of right now, things are kinda strange. I have a job now, I'm doing better for myself. I'm slowly starting to realise the meaning of strength and confidence. I'm getting slightly more confident in my life and honestly as I say this I feel that's soon going to change. So what does this mean for me? Well, that's a great question and it's one that I'm going to continuously ask myself from time to time. I have no idea the direction of which my life is going and it's wild. I have so much stuff going on and to think about and it's all just a mystery to me. I have a lot to think about, a whole hell of a lot to think about. I mean on the other hand though I'm absolutely loving life regardless, even if it seems like I don't, life is beautiful. It's just the people in it that make it so tainted and I've come to see that for what it truly is, because this is the truth, this is how life really is. The concept is beautiful but the people just fuckin' suck. In all reality people are just straight assholes, and that leads into my next topic.

People are just, uff, fuck people. As edgy as that sounds, and believe me that sounds edgy as all hell, I know. But people just make me sick. They lie, cheat, deceive, and so much other shady shit. It honestly disgusts me. It's not the way you have to be, and if you think it is then you've chosen to surround yourself with so many bad people and at that point it's your fault. But it's not how you have to be, it's okay to NOT be a dickhole to people. It's not that difficult either, it's so easy, just don't be an ass. People, speaking of people. People, people, people. Damn. Honestly why do I even try? People just think for themselves only, and excessively. There's this person who dared to called herself my girlfriend. Y'know, it's kinda fishy when you say you love someone "so much", talk about your ex an excessive ass amount in a relationship, then just stop talking to your fucking partner all together, and make no effort to talk to them whatsoever. Sure you can play the "I'm hella busy" card, but at the same time there's no possible way you have absolutely no free time to talk to the person you claim to love so much. At the same time there's also no way you're just not talking to ANYONE AT ALL. No, there's no way. I refuse to believe that there's nothing going on. But it's fine, I emotionally detached myself a long time ago, I knew this would happen eventually and prepared myself for it. Y'know, it really pays to have a plan B. Haha! Man, I'm awful myself, well I have the potential to be anyway.

. . .

Some time has passed and well, I've had some time to think. A whole lot of it. That really let me blow off some steam, but it's not the way I am, or how I want to be. Things were complicated, and things were hella stressful as well. I finally escaped the shackles of a toxic relationship, or what felt like one anyway. I'm growing up, I'm maturing, I'm getting better at life. I'm making progress. Yes. Progress is being made. I'm changing, but I'm not at the same time, I love it! I'm me but I'm different. But I'm one and the same. It's a very complicated topic to try to explain yes but hot damn does it feel great to be alive. I have an overwhelming source of joy now and it's because at this point there's nothing weighing me down. I feel free at last. I can finally start down the path to truly being happy. There's just one problem; I still have to overcome this overwhelming pit of loneliness in my life, but I feel I'll make it through somehow. I feel like I can get through. I can do something about this, I can take life by the handles and get a grasp for what I need to do next. This is the path to progress I've been looking for this whole time. I'm getting stronger. I know it. I can do this, I'm finally learning how to be strong, how to be confident. This is probably the most interesting character development I've ever gone through in my entire life. Just less than a week ago I was an edgy trainwreck of a mess. Now, I'm different, but the same. So what now, I ask myself again. Well the answer is simple: I take things one step at a time, I try to find a new partner and if that doesn't work out then I just spend some more time by myself and continue bettering myself. Hopefully someone will come by eventually. I just have to be strong and be confident. For now, I just need to be me. The person I am right here, right now, writing in this blank space. I've got this.